


Our New Beginning

by YaoiLover66



Series: The Love of Jahvie [2]
Category: Jayy Von Monroe (Musician) and Dahvie Vanity (Musician)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, BOTDF, BloodOnTheDanceFloor, Bottom Dahvie, Boy x boy, Cheating, College, Cutting, Dominant Jayy, Drama, Florida, Jealousy, M/M, Marriage, Misunderstanding, Possessive Behaviour, Romance, Self-Harm, Seme Jayy, Sequel, Song Lyrics, Submissive Dahvie, Suicide Attempt (that doesn't succeed), Top Jayy, Uke Dahvie, Yaoi, the green eyed monster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-16 09:37:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2264793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YaoiLover66/pseuds/YaoiLover66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An olive skinned colored arm shoots out and stops Jayy's movements, crimson red clashing with brown. "A-Are y-you ch-ch-chea-cheating o-on m-me?" I finally choke out the question, my brown eyes filling with tears as I gazed up at the man I loved. "B-Because i-if y-you a-a-are, th-then y-you c-c-could've t-to-told m-me i-instead o-of sn-sneaking a-a-around." The only answer I receive is wide shocked eyes and dead silence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Our New Beginning Song

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own BOTDF, nor do I own the sexy men that are Jayy Von Monroe and Dahvie Vanity. I am also not implying that Jahvie is real. So this is a sequel to "Tainted Love." Please comment/kudo/bookmark. Thanks <3  
> P.S  
> This story might not be updated for some time because I'm currently working on my other stories. Please be patient and thank you :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do own the song at the beginning. I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated. Thanks <3

We had a pretty rocky past

You were the player in black and I was the angel in disguise

And yet I still want us to last

I still want you and I to work even though it might be unwise

/Breathe/

You've showed me that you can be sweet and kind

You've showed me your feelings are true

You've showed me it's you I have to find

You've showed me it's us that I want to see through

You've showed me all these things that I now know what I want

And baby that's you and me

/Breathe/

The past is the past

So let's forget about all the wrong we did to each other

The future's coming on fast

So let's not die out, let's not smother

I want you and you want me

We want our lives to stay intertwined together

I want you, you want me, so let us see

See if we can make it last forever

This is a fresh new start

A way to forget the past we had

This is a new piece of art

The kind that erases all the good and bad

This is our new beginning

So let's write it the way we want to

/Breathe/

Now we're happy and so far in love

We're like two perfect doves

Now we're here with each other without a fear

We're together and we won't disappear

Now we're strong and willing to see it through

We're ready to make our dreams come true

Now we're ready for the road we have ahead

We're ready to speak the words unsaid

/Breathe/

The past is the past

So let's forget about all the wrong we did to each other

The future's coming on fast

So let's not die out, let's not smother

I want you and you want me

We want our lives to stay intertwined together

I want you, you want me, so let us see

See if we can make it last forever

This is a fresh new start

A way to forget the past we had

This is a new piece of art

The kind that erases all the good and bad

This is our new beginning

So let's write it the way we want to

/Breathe/

This is our story we'll write

We'll write the good, the bad, and the in between

This is our life we'll live tonight

We'll live like we're still in our sixteens

This is our song we'll sing

We'll sing about all the happiness and hurt

This is our fingers we'll place a ring

A ring that'll blind the concert

This is our new beginning 

And we'll live it the way we want to

(Way we want to)

/Breathe/

The past is the past

So let's forget about all the wrong we did to each other

The future's coming on fast

So let's not die out, let's not smother

I want you and you want me

We want our lives to stay intertwined together

I want you, you want me, so let us see

See if we can make it last forever

This is a fresh new start

A way to forget the past we had

This is a new piece of art

The kind that erases all the good and bad

This is our new beginning

So let's write it the way we want to

/Breathe/

This is our new beginning

This is our new beginning

This is our new beginning

This is...

(Our new beginning)


	2. Everything's Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Don't own BOTDF, nor implying Jahvie is real. Kudos, comments, and bookmarks are appreciated! Thanks <3  
> 'Italic is thoughts'

***Dahvie's POV  
  
Beep! Beep! Beep!**  
  
A huddled form beneath red covers shifts, an olive arm flapping from beneath the warm cave as it tried in vain to find the damn alarm clock.  
  
 **Beep! Beep! Beep!**  
  
 _'No!'_ I silently whined as I finally peeked my head out from under the warm covers, my black hair with lavender strikes running through it sticking up in every single direction and basically defying the law of gravity, and slammed my fist on top of the snooze button. 'Not now! Why sun, why couldn't you stay down for a little longer? Why did you have to create morning so soon?'  
  
 **Beep! Beep! Beep!**  
  
"That's it!" I growled as my olive colored arm grabbed the black alarm clock and threw it at the white wall across from the bed.  
  
 **Beep! Beep! Bee-smash!**  
  
"Yes!" I hiss in pleasure as I throw the covers over my head and sink into the body curled around me...  
  
Which was currently shaking with laughter.  
  
"What?" I whined as I once more popped my head out, turning bleary sleep-filled brown eyes onto the love of my life.  
  
"Nothing babe," Jayy chuckled as he leaned down and pressed a kiss on top of my head while his arms tightened before relaxing as he started drawing circles in my covered torso. "But, we are going to need a new alarm clock. Which number is it this time? Four, six?"  
  
"Eight," I answer, a yawn escaping my pink lips as I settled my head on top of Jayy's naked chest before melting as a steady rhythm of heartbeats echoed in my ear.  
  
All I received was full blown laughter, his tall form shaking and chest rumbling causing a small smile to curl over my lips.  
  
"I think the people at Wal-Mart are starting to catch on to the fact that we're clock abusers," Jayy teased, the grin painted on my lips growing wider at those words.  
  
"It's not our fault though!" I pouted as I lifted my head up and gave my puppy dog look. "It's to early! And I'm still sleepy! It's the clocks fault for not shutting up."  
  
"Of course babe," Jayy surrendered as he pecked my lips before pulling back and nudging me. "Now up, we specifically set our alarm clock one hour before class starts because we take a long ass time getting ready."

"That's because we love each other and just can't not stealing kiss that soon turns into make out sessions that soons turns to us ripping off each others clothes and going at it like rabbits," I reply while my smile turns into a smirk as I slide out of bed and stretch my limbs, soft moans pouring out of my mouth as the kinks disappeared.  
  
"Not my fault you look so good in my clothes," Jayy shrugs as he watches me through hooded eyes.  
  
Chuckling softly, I lean over and place a quick kiss on his pierced lips before pulling away when he tried making it deeper.  
  
"Nu uh, we have to get ready, remember?" I throw a smirk over my shoulder as I moved towards our dorm's closet (yes, our dorm's because we were lucky enough to have each other as roommates, though the other bed is going to waste since neither of us sleep in it. Instead, we choose to sleep together) and started pulling out a white -neck sweater with some black skinny's and a black vest.  
  
"Shower?" Jayy suggested as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist (which was currently clothed in one of Jayy's shirts that reached to my mid-thighs; apparently, Jayy loves me in his stuff and if I'm being honest, so do I), his lips pressing butterfly kisses to my neck.  
  
"Mhm," I hum softly as I melt into the embrace and let the emotions consume me for one moment before I turn around and, standing on my tippy toes, place a kiss on his lips. "Nope."  
  
Giggling at the sad groan I received, I duck out of my boyfriend's (and that name will never cease making me smile like an idiot) embrace and shoot towards the bathroom while shutting the door behind me.  
  
"You're such a tease babe!" Jayy whined from behind the door, more laughter escaping my mouth.  
  
"Sorry boo," I reply, though I wasn't sorry at all and Jayy knew it, before stripping off Jayy's shirt and hopping in he shower,  
  
It took a good ten minutes for me to wash and another ten to get my hair nicely styled.  
  
"The shower's your's!" I call out as I evacuate the bathroom with steam bellowing from behind me like screams.  
  
"Alright," Jayy suddenly appears, pressing his lips against my head before walking into the bathroom.   
  
Grinning, I move towards the bed and start gathering our items before unplugging my phone and checking any messages.  
  
One was from my mom, asking how college was going and if we'd be able to come home any time soon (to which I replied that, since it was November, we'd be able to go home for Christmas break).  
  
Another one was from Oliver, telling me how much he loved his college and that him and his boyfriend-Trent, if I remember- are still going strong (To which I replied that was awesome and I'm happy for him before telling Oliver that Univeristy of Florida was also great and Jayy and I are stronger than ever).  
  
And finally, the last one was from my BFF since High School, Emily; brown eyes scan the lite up screen, giggles escaping my lips as she groaned on and on about her professors being stupid about a Marriage and Family Therapist and how the students were no better (and I burst into a loud laughter when I read her complaining about Kevin and how he really should change his career because a firefighter had to many risks.)  
  
 _'Oh Emily,'_ I fondly thought as I rolled my eyes before responding in kind by teasing her about worrying for her boyfriend. 'You are so in love with Kev, and yet you still deny it! Honestly, it's quite amusing to watch even though you two have been together for six years like Jayy and I have been.'  
  
Brown eyes blink like an owl when Emily sudden;y responds saying that she does not, in fact, care and that she just doesn't want to be the one Kevin went to crying like a baby about being burnt.  
  
 _"Sure, Em,"_ I text back, snickering as the frown smiley face I recieved before my attention turned towards Jayy who was walking out of the bathroom while rubbing the excessive water from his black spiky locks.  
  
"Hey," I murmur as I get up and wrap my arms around his waist, placing a kiss on his naked (but dry) chest before propping my chin on it. "How was the shower?"  
  
"Good, babe," Jayy easily responded as he placed a kiss on my lips, his arms wrapping around my waist as he kept us in that position (not that I have any complaints, mind you).  
  
However, before we can turn that wonderful morning kiss into a make out session (that probably would've lead to us tumbling in  bed), my phone suddenly bursts into a song.  
  
Groaning as the song (which was  _Devil's Choir_ by BVB) rang throughout the room, I pulled away with a pout as I pulled out of the embrace and grabbed my phone before allowing the clock.  
  
"Good morning Em," I cheerfully say while turning to Jayy and pouting as I mouthed cock-blocker, green contact eyes twinkl with laughter as Jayy chuckled before setting out to find a shirt.  
  
"Get your asses down in the cafeteria right this instant Vanity!" Emily commanded as soon as I spoke. "I know you and I know Jayy; you two were probably kissing and then it started getting heated and, if it weren't for me being so smart and you for being so predictable, it would've lead to sex!"  
  
"No it wouldn't have!" I denied even though she was right because it may or may not have had once (or maybe twice...thrice...ten?).  
  
"Why are even trying to deny this when even  **you**  know it's true?!" Emily growled, crossing her arms over her chest (see? I'm not the only one predictable Emily! Not that I would tell you that, of course, I value you my life thank you).  
  
"Because you cock-blocked me from a very good morning," I state matter of factly, squealing as arms suddenly wrapped around my waist and a mouth was near my ear.  
  
"I promise I'll make it up to later on, babe," Jayy promises before nipping on my ear and letting me go, a moan escaping my mouth as a pout formed.  
  
"Such a tease, Jayy bear," I quietly whined.  
  
"Payback babe," Jayy easily replied as he kiss my pout away, "Payback."  
  
Tsking, I roll my eyes and let my eyes lazily scan the room; it was nice with a soft push carpet that was red, a black wooden desk propped against the white wall, our curtains red, and covers red.  
  
Finally, my eyes settled on Jayy as I analyzed him while he was gathering our bags and throwing them over his shoulders.  
  
 _'Each day I can't help but wonder how I got so lucky to have an amazing boyfriend like you,'_ I silently mused before my attention snapped back to my phone.  
  
"Dahvie," Uh oh, it's Emily's I-will-hurt-you-and-make-you-regret-being-born voice that scared everyone in the vicinity. "If you and Jayy aren't down here by 7: 40, I will come for you."  
  
And with those life threatening words, the line went dead.  
  
Groaning, brown eyes pull the phone away from my ear before I squeak and rush towards the door when 7:35 flashes.  
  
"Run Jayy!" I hissed as I pulled open the door, brown eyes wide as Jayy shot me and amused and inquiring look as he slowly walked out the door. "We only have five minutes to get there or else Em will kill us."  
  
"Oh shit," Jayy cursed before we both rushed towards the cafeteria serving breakfast, swerving between students and throwing apologies over our shoulder.  
  
Thankfully, just as the clock turn 7:40, we made it into the cafeteria and slide across from Kevin and Emily.  
  
"We...made...it," I panted out as I slumped in Jayy's side, breathing heavily but smiling nonetheless when Jayy wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close.  
  
"Right on time too," Kevin grinned at us, his amber eyes sparkling as he laid an arm behind Emily's head. "You too ran here, didn't you?"

"What...else...could...we...do?" Jayy breathed out, pausing as he inhaled a large gulp of oxygen before replying. "Your girlfriend's terrifying!"  
  
"That's what I love about her," Kevin grinned at Emily, her pale cheeks coloring red.  
  
"S-Shut up," Emily replied, stumbling over her words but smiling even through her words.  
  
"See? She loves me too!" Kevin grinned at us, pink lips curled into a lopsided smile.  
  
Jayy and I share a look before chuckling at our friend's tactics.  
  
"Now," I clap my hands as brown eyes turned toward Emily (because she, out of the relationship between her and Kevin, was the most responsible). "Where's the food? I'm hungry!"  
  
Emily rolls her blue eyes as she gets up and, in a few mintues, returned with pancakes and two orange juice.  
  
"Yes!" I cry as the plate is set in front of me, the aroma wafting towards me in tantalizing waves. "Have I ever told you how much I love you, Em?"  
  
"You've mentioned it," Emily smirked as she brought a cup to her lips and took a sip, blue eyes glittering with happiness and amausement.  
  
"Well, I love you," And with that, I attack my breakfast with such ferocity the whole table burst out laughing. "W't?"  
  
"Nothing babe," Jayy cooed as he dropped a kiss on top of my hair. "It's just you looked absolutely adorable."  
  
"I know I do," I shoot him an arrogant smirk and giggle at the roll of eyes I received.  
  
"Somedays, babe, somedays," Jayy sighed in exasperation as he continued eating, a bright grin colored on his pierced lips.  
  
"You love me," I tease my boyfriend of six years as I gaze up at him.  
  
"I do," Jayy stated with seriousness and sincerity articulated through his tone. "I really, really do."  
  
"I love you too," I whisper as I intertwine our fingers and squeeze them before leaning in and kissing him, the smile indelibly etched over my lips.  
  
Unfortunately, we have these really annoying best friends that just love to cockblock us (seriously! This is the second time already today!) so we had to end it much sooner than what we'd like when they (mostly Kevin because Emily just threatened bodily harm in a motherly kind of way) started yelling about getting a room.  
  
"We would," Jayy responded as he pulled away, shooting a playful glare in Kevin's direction. "But we have these really pesky best friends that just seem to cock block us even when they're  **not** around."  
  
"Smart friends you've got," Kevin smirked at Jayy, a snort coming from the taller more at the comment.  
  
"Yeah sure," Jayy scoffed as he picked up a piece of pancake before pausing with solemness scrawled all over his face. "You interrupt us while we're fucking and I will cut off your balls so you can never fuck Emily."  
  
Emily's pale cheeks flush red while a glare is aimed in Jayy's direction, I blush bright red before giggling because that is something Jayy would do, and Kevin?  
  
Kevin laughed before it died down when he realized Jayy wasn't laughing.  
  
"Y-You're not serious, right man?" Kevin queries, amber eyes wide and fear filled.  
  
"Test me," Jayy sweetly smiles in his best friend's direction before returning to his breakfast as if he just hadn't threatened Kevin's jewels.  
  
And maybe it was the Jayy acted so calmly and effectively, or maybe it was Kevin's whimper and ashen face, but either way Emily and I burst out laughing and soon Jayy and Kevin joined in (though Kevin's sounded force and more like a scared cry then anything).  
  
 _'Just another Monday morning,'_ I thought as I continued eating my pancakes with a smile on my face. ' _Just another perfect morning.'_  


* * *

***Dahvie's POV**

"And the guy was like-" Emily continued ranting, her blue eyes flaming with irritation as she relived her Psychology class where she was paired with this one guy that had no interest in doing the work at all.  
  
Brown eyes roll as we continue walking through the campus, my mind wandering towards my classes.  
  
 _'I've known from the start what I wanted to be when I got here,'_ I mused as my mind flashed back to my classes. ' _A hairdresser, someone who cuts or styles another person's hair. I just never realized how hard the classes would be.'_  
  
Snapping out of my thoughts when I feel a vibration coming from my pockets, olive hands quickly fumble for it and pull it out before unlocking the screen.  
  
Brown eyes scan the screen before noticing the little icon that said I had a text message; olive fingers flip down the bar and click on it before a beaming smile crawls over my lips and my olive cheeks flush red.  
  
 _"Hey babe, I love you."_  
  
"Aw," I coo at the screen as I quickly text back an "I love you too."  
  
"When are you to getting married?" Emily suddenly questions, my brown eyes flash up from the screen as my cheeks darken at the warm blue eyes gazing at me.  
  
"W-What do you mean?" I stutter out, my focus turned back to the phone that had another text (this one said, "Not as much as I love you.").  
  
"I mean, even though you two had a rocky past and you two still fight," Emily slowly starts as she holds my gaze. "You two still love each other just like you did when you were sixteen, even more maybe. That's why I'm shocked you two aren't married yet."  
  
"W-We've talked about it," I stutter out, cheeks flaming even more as my smile grew when I remembered those days (and in some cases, nights). "And w-we decided that if one of us proposed, we'd wait until we finished college then do our honeymoon and a-a-adopt."  
  
"You two are already thinking about adopting?!" Emily stopped, turning her wide blue eyes onto me. "Really?"  
  
"Y-Yeah," I reply, my cheeks permanently red as I avoid her gaze by staring down at my phone. "It just...popped up, you know? It started from a little teasing and then turned into, well, that revelation."  
  
"Aw!" Emily squealed as she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. "I'm so happy for you, Dahvie; you and Jayy would make amazing parents."  
  
"Thanks Em," I whisper as I hug her back, a dazzling smile knitted on my lips.  
  
"You would totally be the mommy," Emily teased as she pulled back and started walking away, shooting a smirk over her shoulders.  
  
"Hey!" I whine as I race after her, a pout written on my lips. "Why does everyone keep thinking that?! Even Jayy thought that!"  
  
I never did get a reply, just bright laughter and squeals.  
  
 _'Still is perfect though,'_ I thought as I caught Em, laughter escaping our mouths as the passing students shot us weirded out looks. ' _We make be freaks and weirdos, but it's still perfect.'_

* * *

 ***Dahvie's POV**  
  
"Hey Jayy bear," I called as I walked through the door, gently shutting it behind before taking off my shoes and, after setting my bag near the wooden desk, plopping on top of Jayy. "How was your classes?"  
  
"Fine," Jayy groaned as he wrapped his arms around my waist and re-opened his eyes, brown eyes blearily staring at me. "Just a lot to do, you know?"  
  
"Well you are going to be a Doctor," I tease, giggling a little as a thought occured. "It's a lot of work, Dr. Monroe."  
  
"Cheeky," Jayy murmured as he leaned down and placed a kiss on top of my lips, grinning as I instantly responded. "What about you though, babe? How's the profess and everything?"  
  
"Good," I responded as I easily settled down, my head placed on top of Jayy's heart while my olive hands drew shapes and words on Jayy's shirt. "Exhausting and hard working, but good."  
  
"Well, you only have one more year to go and you have your Master's Degree (1)," Jayy reassured me before placing a kiss on top of my head.  
  
"Not for the first time I'm glad we started college when we were eighteen," I murmur as I melt into a puddle of goo, brown eyes fluttering shut as I listened to Jayy's heartbeat. "It meant we got a headstart, you know?"  
  
"Mhm," Jayy hummed in agreement, his hands never ceasing their movements in my back as they drew things that were unknown to me.  
  
A sigh escapes pink lips as I drift on cloud nine, one last thought crossing my mind before I fell into a light snooze wrapped inside my lover's warm embrace.  
  
 _'Everything's perfect.'_


	3. Memories of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3

_~ **September; Fourth Year in College~**_ **  
  
*Dahvie's POV  
  
' _There's no other place I'd rather be than here,'_** _I thought as I snuggled deeper into Jayy arms wrapped around my waist, a comfortable silence hanging in the dorm's air. **'Right here in my lover's embrace.'  
**  
A soft smile crawls over pink lips while brown eyes flutter close, my olive colored air pressed against the black Tank top covered chest as a fist sized organ steadily pounded away like a never ending drum.  
_  
 ** _Thump-Thump-Thump  
  
_** _Soft humming fills the air as I quietly sang along with my lover's heart beat, my smile growing as Jayy tightened his arms while drawing circles in my black and white button up shirt.  
  
 **Th-Thump-Th-Thump-Th-Thump  
  
** The air is suddenly silent as my humming stops, brown eyes open and turn towards Jayy-who looked afraid and conflicted like a battle- with concern shining from the orbs.  
  
_" _H-How..." Jayy pauses, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed the lump no doubt constricting his voice before continuing while his brown eyes avoided my inquiring and worried gaze. "How would you like to get proposed to?"  
  
_ _My brown eyes blink like an owl as my brain freezes before re-booting and proper processing those words.  
  
"W-What?" The question that slips out of my mouth is choked and articulating my bewilderment and astonishment.   
  
"I-It's n-nothing," Jayy quickly amends, pale cheeks flushing with blood as his arms slackened around my waist.  
  
"No, no!" I quickly refute, shaking my head as I sat up and wrapped my arms around my boyfriend's (and seriously, we've been together for five-six if you count the year we were sixteen-years and that name still fills me with a whole shit load of glee) before gently grasping his stubbled chin and tilting it until brown clashed with brown. "I-I want to get married, Jayy bear, I really do! I was just caught off by surprise by the sudden...sudden question."  
  
"You don't have to explain, babe," Jayy murmurs as he gazes into my eyes, his arms re-tighten their hold on me as if I would run away any moment (which I would never do). "My brain unfortunately no longer has a filter, it wasn't important-"  
  
_ " _I-I don't know," I interrupt, my gaze flickering down as my cheeks heated up before I reconnected our stare. "I mean, I uh, I don't know..."  
  
"Like I said it was just a question," Jayy soothed me, placing his pierced lips against mine as he gave me a soft peck.   
  
"I know, I just want to give you an answer," I whisper, olive hands clenching and balling the black fabric in my hands. "Because it's important, Jayy, never think it isn't...it's just, I just don't know."  
  
"We have quite some time to figure it out," Jayy reminded me as he kissed my cheek. "Don't worry about it."  
  
"Okay," I sigh, surrendering as I situated myself into my previous position.  
  
But my mind would not relax, to ransacked by guilt and confusion to calm down.  
  
 **'How would I want Jayy to propose?'** The inquiry buzzed around my head like a pesky bee.  
  
Thankfully, I got the answer two weeks later.  
  
Laughing, two figures walk out of the movie theater with the moonlight guiding them through the relatively crowded parking lot.  
  
"T-That was amazingly funny!" I choke out as giggles kept bursting through my lips, my form slumping against Jayy's driver's door while blue eyes were trained on to my boyfriend's form who was leaning right beside me.  
  
_" _It was," Jayy agreed, a grin tugging at his pierced lips.  
  
A wide, beaming smile colors my lips while silence that was comfortable descended in the air like an angel from above.  
  
_ " _This," The one word slips out of prison as I continue to gaze at my boyfriend, my tone serious and confident._  
  
"This what?" Jayy tears his green eyes from the white ball hanging in the night sky and turns them on me.   
  
"This is how I'd want to be purposed," I clarify, my smile widening at Jayy's shocked expression. "When it's just you and me together, laughing at everything and nothing...that's how I'd want to be purposed to."  
  
"Okay," Jayy grins, slow and genuine, as he grabs my hand and squeezes it. "Okay."  
  
And it may have not been many words or opinions, but as I slide into the passengers seat I knew Jayy loved the idea just as much as I did.

* * *

 _**~October; Fourth Year in College~  
  
** _ ***Dahvie's POV**  
  
 _Laughter, bright and free and filled with so many emotions (all of which were positive), rang through my house as Jinnet and Sharon asked about college and Jahvie's (as they nicknamed Jayy and I) relationship while my dad was in the kitchen getting himself a drank._  
  
 _"So, school's going good for you two?" Jinnet, my mom, inquires as she eyes us with brown eyes glittering with worry._  
  
 _"Yep!" I chirp, snuggling into Jayy's side as I intertwined our fingers while a grin curled over my lips when I felt a gently squeeze._  
  
 _"And what about you, Jayy?" Jinnet turns her gaze onto my boyfriend. "How are your classes going?"_  
  
 _"Difficult but to be expected," Jayy answered truthfully as he pulled my closer, a grin tugging at his pierced lips._  
  
 _"It is," Sharon, Jayy's mom, murmured as she took a sip of her tea. "A Doctor, my son wants to be a Doctor. I couldn't be more proud."_  
  
 _"You'd have been proud if he was working at McDonald's," Jinnet scoffs, grinning at her friend (yes, my boyfriend's mom was my mom's friend, which is actually a very scary duo when they're mad) in amusement._  
  
 _"Oh hush it Jin," Sharon responds, returning the grin. "You're just like me."_  
  
 _"I suppose," Mom replies, giving me a secret wink that caused me to giggle._  
  
 _Silence soon hangs in the air as dad finally walks back in, his brown eyes flickering around as he sat next to mom._  
  
 _"So do you two have any future plans?" Dad queries, brown eyes trained on us._  
  
 _"We have a couple," Jayy answers vaguely, a snicker twitching at the corners of his lips._  
  
 _"Any of them involve me becoming a grandfather?" Victor (1)-my dad's name-joked as he opened his soda and took a drink before pausing as we didn't answer right away._  
  
 _Green clashed with brown as we both had a silent conversation with each other; we had talked about kids, made little references to it such as how I'd make a wonderful "Mommy" (to which I responded with a middle finger and flaming cheeks) and that it'd be nice to have our own little family._  
  
 _The sound of coughing and spluttering snap us out of our very in depth conversation, two pairs of eyes trained on my father as he wiped his mouth._  
  
 _"Y-You two aren't actually thinking about it, right?" Victor slowly asks, brown eyes wide._  
  
 _Brown eyes flash to Jayy, waiting for him to give me a straightforward answer..._  
  
 _Instead, he decides to answer the question with an answer we both agreed on._  
  
 _"Yes, maybe later on after we're married and settled down, but it is an option we are considering."_  
  
 _A dazzling smile paints my lips as I nod my head, turning my eyes onto my family as I awaited (with dread and cold blooded fear coursing through my veins) for the answer._  
  
 _"Are you two sure?" Victor pushes, brown eyes flickering between Jayy and I. "Kids are a big step."_  
  
 _"Well we're not one hundred percent," I finally speak up, my gaze floating towards Jayy to gauge his reactions. "But it is an option we'd like to consider having. Is that-that alright, dad? Mom? Sharon?"_  
  
 _"Of course!" Jinnet and Sharon screech together as they shoot out of their seats as if it had burned their asses before rushing and hugging us. "That's a wonderful idea! You'd make such a wonderful mommy, Dahvie."_  
  
 _"Why am I the mommy?" I whine as I pout, my bottom lips sticking out as I gazed into my mom's face._  
  
 _"Because you are," Sharon and Jinnet easily respond together, sharing a secretive grin (and my god were they like long lost twins?). "Don't worry, honey, you'll understand when you have kids."_  
  
 _"Sure," I mutter before I turn my brown eyes on my dad (who was my hero, in my eyes). "Dad? Is having k-kids o-o-okay with y-y-you?"_  
  
 _"Yeah, yeah," Victor answers as he stands up and walks over towards the couch before enveloping me into a hug. "I was kidding, but if you two are serious..."_  
  
 _"We are," I reply, determination and confidence articulated in my tone, as I hug him back._  
  
 _"Then you have my permission," Victor pulls away and smiles at me._  
  
 _"Thanks," I whisper as I hug him once more before settling down next to Jayy with a bright and relieved smile colored over my lips._  
  
 _It may have not been like our other Saturday visits, but it was a good one._  
  
 _Definitely a good one._

* * *

*Dahvie's POV  
  
"-vie! Dahvie!" Purple eyes flash open, blinking like an owl as Jayy's face appeared in front of my vision. "Are you okay, babe?"  
  
"Yeah," Pink lips curl into a smile as I stand up when noticing the movie was over (yes, it was a date) and the room was empty. "Yeah I'm just perfect."

And with that answer, I lean up and place my lips against Jayy's before pulling away and tugging him towards the exit.  
  
"Come on," I murmured as I shot a sweet smile over my shoulders. "I'm hungry."  
  
Jayy chuckled but allowed himself to be tugged along.  
  
It was a good night, and a wonderful date.  
  
I wouldn't have this-life, my relationship, friendships- any other way.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm so sorry for this being short :'( I just wanted to give you guys an insight to their past on Marriage and Adoption; I promise the next chapter will be longer and things will start going. Comments and favorites are appreciated!**  
With love,  
Elle  


 


	4. Doubts and Insecurities destroy Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying that Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3 Thanks :D

***Dedicated to MariVonMonroe for once more commenting; thanks hun! Because of you and your lovely comments, I have been inspired :D  
**

**~November 7th~  
**

***Dahvie's POV**  
  
It was another perfect day; Friday, to be specific, and those were my favorite days.  
  
Why?  
  
Simple, those nights where "Date Nights" and in some cases (but not very often) "Double Date Night" if Kevin and Emily wanted.  
  
Of course, we couldn't always have date nights in case one of us was working (whether is was on an assignment or work) or too exhausted to really do anything, but most of the time our schedules were cleared (or we cleared them personally ourselves) so we could always spend time in a romantic setting.  
  
So as soon as my classes were over with, I shot off towards the Library and tackled my homework while my heart raced in anticipation.  
  
 _'I wonder what we're going to do tonight?'_ I mused, my mechanical pencil pausing as my blue eyes floated from the white paper with black inky letters to the crystal clear window bright rays of the evening sun was pouring through. ' _Last Friday we did a movie, the second last Friday King's Island, the third last Friday was a picnic, so I wonder just what we're going to do tonight?'  
  
'Maybe you should finish your homework before getting lost in your musing,' _ My conscious suggests (though it sounded more like a demand) as though it were the most obvious thing. ' _You know, so you can actually go on your date instead of being stuck inside a cramped, humid Library.'  
  
'Yes ma'am!' _ I silently responded, blue eyes rolling before returning to my assignment.   
  
The seconds turn to minutes, the minutes turn to hours; the sun, that had already been setting, gradually sunk into the horizon line before fading completely from sight.  
  
Pink lips part as a yawn escapes its prison cell, blue eyes fluttering closed as I packed up my items and started heading back to Jayy's and I's dorm room; olive hands search through the multi-colored messenger bag for the cold metal key, blue eyes narrowing in frustration while my lips pursed.  
  
 _'Oh come on!'_ I silently growled as I stood in front of the dorm's wooden door, a frown marring my olive face as my eyes stared into my bag. ' _Where the fuck did I put the little bugger?'_  
  
Growling softly like a wolf, I kneel down and ruffle through my bag while flipping over my folders and notebooks in my haste.  
  
"Hey," Blue eyes snap open and clash with hazel orbs. "Looking for this?"  
  
Blue eyes follow the pale hand and widen as I realize that, held between long nimble fingers, was my key.  
  
"That's my key!" I finally say as I stand up and take it from the fingers, shooting a smile at Lunar Aaron Cullen-who was a boy in some of my classes. "Thank you so much for finding them!"

  
"They fell out of your bag just as you left class," Lunar shoots me a shy smile, pale cheeks red as he gazed down at me (all these guys are so much taller than me!). "I-I knew I had to give them back to you, but I couldn't find you anywhere."  
  
"No, no thank you!" I quickly protest, my pink lips still curled into a grin as I stared up at my taller classmate. "And don't worry about it, Lunar, I totally understand!"  
  
Turning around, I shove the key in and turn the lock while continuing my sentence.  
  
"The reason you couldn't find me was because I was with my boyfriend, Jayy."  
  
Unbeknownst to me, anger mixed with jealousy flashed across Lunar's face before disappearing as if it were never there when I turned around.  
  
"Thank you again, Lunar," I murmur, shooting the boy one last grin as I stepped into Jayy's and I's room. "I don't know what I would've done without you finding my keys."  
  
"It's no problem," Lunar waves off my gratitude, hesitating at the threshold while still gazing at me.  
  
"Is there something you need?" I inquire as I throw my bag on top of the neatly made bed, my blue eyes flickering towards Lunar.   
  
"U-Uh, w-w-w-well, u-u-um," Lunar stutters out, hazel eyes dropping to the carpet as his cheeks flushed red. "N-N-No, i-i-i-it's n-n-n-n-nothing."  
  
White upper teeth peek from under my lips and starts nibbling on my bottom lip as I debated what to do.  
  
' _Lunar clearly wants something,'_ I silently said as blue eyes trained themselves on the boy in question. ' _And he did help me find my keys, and he's a fellow classmate of mine, but...'  
  
_ Blue eyes quickly flicker towards the clock (we got one Monday, thankfully this one has last...then again it might be because Jayy's been making sure to wrap his arms around my arms so...) before popping out and rolling along the floor as I took in the time.  
  
 _'It's 7:00 PM already?!'_ I shrieked inside my head as I quickly dashed around the room, throwing open the closet door and shuffling around for an outfit to wear. ' _Shit! Our dates are usually at 7:30 PM! Of course, the time usually depends on what we're doing, but this Friday we decided to go rollerskating (1) and he said be ready by 7:30 PM! Fuck!'  
  
_ "Hey, listen Lunar," Olive hands stop moving as I remember there was a boy (man really) standing at my doorway waiting. "I'm really sorry, but could you maybe ask me on Monday? I have to get ready for Jayy's and I's date."  
  
"Yeah," Lunar nods his head as he turns away, his shoulders slumping in defeat but that little detail went over my head. "Yeah, have fun on your date."  
  
"Thanks!" I reply as I quickly shut the dorm door before running into the bathroom and showering, jumping out and drying before brushing my teeth.  
  
Once finished with that, I went back into the room as I once more went through my clothes while blue eyes scanned the possible options.  
  
You see, there was a reason Jayy usually gave me thirty mintues to get ready, and the reason was because I was-and I quote-"Like a teenage girl getting ready for her first date" when I tried figuring out what to wear and how to do my hair.  
  
I resent that because moi is not a girl, and I certainly do not act like this is my first date!  
  
....  
  
Except, okay, maybe I do...just a  _little_ bit.  
  
A tiny, tiny little bit.  
  
Atom sized little bit.  
  
That small.  
  
Pink lips part and let a huff escape before I finally settle on some relatively loose white skinny jeans with a black button up shirt, quickly throwing them on I dash back into the bathroom and start on the long complicated process that was known as "Doing Dahvie's Date Hair".  
  
Jayy's label, not mine.  
  
Blue eyes roll as I remember my boyfriend's labels, lips curling into a smile as I continued working on my ear.  
  
It was only when I was adding a little bit of black eyeliner to bring out the blue contacts did my cell phone start ringing.  
  
 _'Can't get it,'_ I thought, mentally apologizing to the caller. ' _I need to get ready for my date, I'm sure they'll understand.'  
  
_ So I ignored the ringing, the noise soon dying down before restarting.  
  
Once more, I ignore it while my lips purse even tighter as I give all my attention to my eyeliner.  
  
It was one the third ring did I finally growl, throw down my eyeliner, and stalk towards the source.  
  
An Olive hand reaches out and grasps the lite up cell phone, my frowning turned bewildered as the caller I.D showed "Jayy-Bear <3".  
  
 _'What could Jayy possibly want right now?'_ I queried as my eyes flickered over the the alarm clock, the frown deepening as I saw it was 7:25 PM. ' _I have five minutes left until he shows up...wait, what if something happened? What if-if he's hurt?'  
  
_ Heart wrenching and sputtering to a screeching stop, I quickly accept the call and place the speaker next to my ear.  
  
"J-Jayy bear?" I call, my voice articulating my worry and fear. "A-Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah," Jayy replies, his voice low and soft as if he were in a place where he couldn't speak loudly. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"Oh, oh thank gosh," I breathe a sigh of relief, my form slumping as relief coursed through my veins like blood cells. "Why'd you call then? I still have like five minutes to get ready."  
  
"Yeah, about that....I can't make it today, Dahv's," Jayy responds, remorse and guilt coloring his tone.  
  
"Oh..." I whisper, my lips turning down and frown deepening as disappointment washed over me like a tidal wave.  
  
"I-I'm sorry, I just have to work late tonight," Jayy explains, his tone pleading for me to understand-I did-but that isn't what made me frown and my eyes to narrow.  
  
 _'I thought Jayy told me Thursday he had Friday off,'_ I thought, my mind flashing back to that Thursday where told me as clear as bells that he had Friday off and would be able to take me out this Friday. ' _So either Jayy lied, or he's lying now.'  
  
_ And honestly, neither option looked too good from where I was standing.  
  
 _'But why?'_ That was the question plaguing my mind like a  fly that wouldn't go away. ' _Why would Jayy lie, whether past or now? I mean, sure we had a pretty rocky past, but we trust each other with our **lives**  now; we love each other. So why lie?'  
  
_A cold feeling seeped into my bones, even though the room was warm, while my heart restarted and pounded against my chest like thunder.  
  
"Babe?" Jayy's soft query breaks me out of my thoughts, my mind coming back to reality as it realize just how hard I was breathing and how tight my grip was on the phone. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Y-Yeah," I reply, my answer stuttering at the beginning as I tried to relax and become calm. "Yeah I'm f-f-fine."  
  
"You sure?" Jayy inquires, his tone indicating he did not once ounce believe me. "If this is about the date, I'm really sorry, it's just-"  
  
"No!" I quickly cut in, not wanting to hear his excuse. "No, I uh, it's great actually because I-I, uh, I still have some homework left undone. So, this is great! Killing two birds with one stone! Yay!"  
  
Forcing a laugh, blue eyes clenched shut as I tried shoving the hurt and fear into a small box while my hand momentarily tightened.  
  
"Baby," Jayy warns while a sigh escaping his lips as he no doubt opened them to continue his sentence, but I interrupted him.  
  
"No, no Jayy it's-it's fine," I reassure him, trying in the lords name to sound honest and sincere. "I understand, I do, there's nothing wrong okay?"  
  
"Then why do you sound like your lying?" Jayy inquires while crossing his arms over his chest (I knew this because whenever he suspected I was lying he'd always cross his arms over his chest).  
  
"I'm not," I bluntly reply. "Now, I've got to get back to work, okay? Love you."  
  
"I love you too babe," Jayy instantly responds, a warmth crawling through my chest and reheating my bones as the fear was eased for the moment. "And I always will."  
  
A genuine grin colors my lips.  
  
"You too, Jayy bear," I respond, my body relaxing as I realized I was just being paranoid. "Be safe, okay?"  
  
"I will," And with that, he hung up, the phone going dead and ringing in my ear.  
  
Sighing sadly, I throw the cell phone back on the dresser before returning to the bathroom to wipe off all the eyeliner and change into my pajamas.  
  
 _'Why would Jayy cancel?'_  I silently wondered, my heart once more clenching. ' _He never cancels, never! Sure, we both have jobs and schoolwork, but we always make time for our dates! So why cancel now?'  
  
_ White teeth tug on my bottom lip as blue eyes flickered up to the glass mirror.  
  
 _'Unless...'_ Blue eyes swell up with tear as my heart flat lines when a possible (yet absurd) idea crosses my mind. ' _Unless he's c-cheating on me.'  
  
'Are you stupid?!' _ My conscious snaps, the tears disappearing as my conscious prowled on like a tractor. ' _That boy loves you as if you fucking created the sun and moon with just one smile! Jayy would never, **ever** cheat on you! Shame on you for even thinking that!'  
  
_Shame and embarrassment scrawls themselves over my face because my conscious was right, Jayy would never do that and I shouldn't have even thought that was a possibility.  
  
 _'Sure, Jayy lied,'_ I thought as I finally left the bathroom and settled in the bed, curling into a ball on Jayy's side as I let his scent wash over me-it was  **soothing**  me. ' _But maybe for a good reason, such as maybe he's planning a surprise for us or something. Yeah, that's it.'_  
  
And yet as I relaxed-Jayy scent surrounded me like a warm cocoon-and let sleep slowly cox me into sleep, I still couldn't erase the niggling of doubts eating away.  
  
I should've know from the start doubts and insecurities would destroy our trust.


	5. Put my mind to rest and say, "No."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudoes, and bookmarks are appreciated :) Thanks <3

**~November 12th~  
  
*Dahvie's POV**  
  
Brown eyes fly open before squeezing shut as the blinding light pierces them like a sword.  
  
Shifting, but being aware of the arms wrapped around my waist, I gently flipped over and brought a arm over my eyes to blockade the sunlight filtering in between the curtains.  
  
Slowly, as the minutes ticked by without a word spoken or a body moving, my inactive brain switched back into normal functionality as memories started flickering across my closed eyes.  
  
Six days.  
  
Six days it's been since Jayy cancelled our date on Friday and unknowingly (but knowingly to me) lied.  
  
To  **me** , the **love of his life.**  
  
Thankfully, nothing else has happened like that; everything went back to being perfect just like it was in the beginning.  
  
On Saturday, Jayy and I visited our parents and on Sunday we made up Friday by going out.  
  
 _'And I really wish I could take back time and not visit our parents,'_ I silently thought, a wince crossing over my features as the memory of that day consumed me.

* * *

 _It was just another fun filled Saturday: Jayy and I were visiting our parents together, and like usual it was fun.  
  
Until my mom came in and took one good hard look at me, then she decided to drag me into the kitchen.  
  
"Dahvie, could you come help me in the kitchen?" Jinnet calls from the threshold, brown eyes trained on me with something swirling in the depths of those brown orbs. "Now."  
  
"S-Sure," I reply, silver eyes momentarily flickering from Sarah-who was frowning in confusion which did not ease the thundering my heart was making-before I pushed off the couch and cautiously walked into the kitchen._  
  
 _Quicker than a snake, Jinnet turns on her heels and crowds me into the corner while gently grabbing my chin and angling it upwards until brown collided with silver like two worlds._  
  
"What happened between you and Jayy?" Mom inquires, her voice articulating her seriousness as she held me into place.  
  
"I-I d-d-don't k-k-know wh-wh-wh-what y-y-y-you're t-t-t-talking back," I answered, my heart lodged in my throat as my words tumbled over themselves in the blatant lie.  
  
"David Jesus Torres," Jinnet warned, her brown eyes narrowing and turning ice cold.  
  
Shivers raced down my spine while silver eyes drop to the floor and stay there, my teeth mercilessly tugging and biting at my bottom lip as uncertainty flooded my veins like a tsunami.  
  
 **'If I tell mom,'** I internally started weighing my options, my lip getting redder and redder with each tug. ' **Then maybe she can give me some insight to what happened and why Jay would lie to me, but...'**  
  
Pausing, white teeth stop tugging as silver eyes continue gazing down at the kitchen tiled floor while my mind whirled.  
  
 **'But what if the answer's something I don't want to hear?'** I silently asked, my heart stopping and sputtering like a broken down car. ' **W-W-What if she s-says Jayy's c-c-c-cheating? I can't-I can't do that, I-I c-c-can't.'**  
  
Pink lips part as I slowly gulp in the oxygen filtering around inside room like a caged bird, the dark thought causing my heart to freeze.  
  
"Dahvie?" Jinnet's voice brings me back to the present, my eyes snapping up and open (and when did they even close?). "Honey, are you okay?"  
  
"Y-Yeah," The reply slips out of my mouth before I can stop it, the words revealing how choked up I was inside.   
  
"Dahvie, don't you dare-" Mom starts but I quickly, and ruthlessly, cut her off.  
  
"I'm fine, mom," I reassure my mother as olive hands come up and gently squeeze her arms. "And you're just imagining things. Jayy and I are perfect..."  
  
"We're perfect," And yet, even as I said those words, I wondered which one of us I was reassuring more: her, or me?  
  
"Dahvie," Resignation and sadness crept into her tone as her brown eyes gazed into silver, but I quickly slipped out of the corner and returned to the living room where I proceeded to cuddle Jayy like a teddy bear.  
  
But even then, when I was wrapped in his tight and loving embrace, I still couldn't help but feel so cold.  
  
I couldn't help but feel so alone.

* * *

A sigh escapes its prison cell as I pull myself out of the memory, my eyes fluttering open as I removed my arm and blankly stared up at the ceiling.  
  
 _'Ever since that day, mom's been calling me and asking how Jayy and I were,'_ I continued thinking, my lips pursing together before another sigh escaped them. ' _It's annoying and tiring, and honestly I hate it. I love my mom and I hate lying to her, but the more she calls the more I have to lie.'_  
  
Groaning at the soft pounding that suddenly appeared inside my skull, I flipped over and curled into Jayy's warm body as I nestled my head on top of his bare chest.  
  
 **Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**  
  
Pink lips curl into a soft smile as I tapped along with the beating of my boyfriend's heart, my mind wandering.  
  
 _'And on Sunday, Jayy and I made up our cancelled date,'_ I silently added, my fingers methodically tapping on Jayy's torso.  _'And ever since then, things have gone back to being perfect.'_  
  
That's when I stopped tapping, my brows furrowing as my eyes gazed at the wall while my lips turned down.  
  
 _'Except...'_ I pause that thought, heart clenching as my true feelings surfaced from the water I drowned them in. ' _Except it isn't perfect. I can't-I can't kill off the doubt eating away like some parasite; I can't stop from feeling insecure every time I gaze up at Jayy when he's not looking at me; and I just can't stop from feeling as if my whole world will come crashing down at any moment.'_  
  
Olive olders slump down as brown eyes squeeze shut, the watery tears disappearing as I calmed myself down while my true feelings were once more shoved underneath the dark waves.  
  
 _'I need something else to think about,'_ I decided, trying in vain to search to through my mind and pull out a topic that would distract me from my "other" thoughts.   
  
Brown eyes float around the room before I flip over and gaze at the clock blinking 5:30 AM before they widen when they take in the date sitting in the right hand corner.  
  
 _'It's November 12th,'_ I realized, brown eyes wide before I once more flipped over and gazed up at Jayy. 'Today's the anniversary of Christopher's death.'  
  
Pink lips purse as I start absent-mindedly drawing circles on Jayy's chest, brown eyes squinting as my thoughts started unraveling.  
  
 _'You know, I never did get to properly meet Christopher,'_ I silently said, my head tilting to the side like a puppy as I continued to gaze at my sleeping lover. 'At the beginning, I was still overloaded with trying to make sure Jayy's and I's relationship was strong, and then I got consumed in my homework, and then we went to college and I honestly didn't see the purpose. Jayy never pushed, and I was always thankful for that. He actually changed his schedule; he doesn't go to the cemetery every year like he did when he was sixteen, now he goes every two years or so.'  
  
A proud grin scrawls over my lips as olive cheeks darken when a memory flashes across my vision.

* * *

 _ **~First Year of College; August~**  
  
"I'm not going to the cemetery this year," Jayy suddenly said, his hand squeezing mine as he sipped his coffee while Kevin choked on his._  
  
 _A pair of wide blue eyes turn and stare at Jayy, both our mouths dropping to the floor and rolling away._  
  
"W-W-W-What?!" Kevin sputtered out his question, pale face unnormally red as he tried breathing in the oxygen he was currently missing.  
  
Shooting a sympathetic glance towards Kevin, I turn my attention back to my tall boyfriend.  
  
"I'm not going to the cemetery this year," Jayy slowly repeated, raising one pierced eyebrow at Kevin while amusement glittered in his crimson red eyes.  
  
"But you always go!" Kevin refuted, amber eyes wide and filled with shock. "Always!"  
  
"Well now I'm not," Jayy responded, a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips before he sipped his coffee.  
  
"Why?" All eyes turn towards Emily, who was tilting her head and regarding Jayy as if he were some unknown puzzle that she'd like (but couldn't) to put together.  
  
"Because I have a future now," Jayy turned to me and dropped a kiss on top of my head, olive cheeks darkening as a beaming smile crawled over my lips. "It's time I let the past go, and start focusing on the future I have."  
  
"That's-that's great man," Kevin grinned as he finally started breathing again. "I'm happy for you."  
  
"Thanks," Jayy replied before pushing on. "I'll still continue visiting, but not as often as before."  
  
All three of us nod our head in understanding before we returned to our previous topic.  
  
And all through the conversation, the smile knitted upon my lips never wavered or disappeared.

* * *

 _'We have to go today,'_ I mentally decided as I brought myself out of that memory that left my cheeks red and heart flipping and clenching. 'So I can properly meet Christopher.'  
  
And if there was another reason besides that one, well, I bluntly ignored the voice telling me I was using going to the cemetery an excuse to get answers.  
  
Shaking my head, I turn my attention on to Jayy who was still sleeping like a baby.  
  
 _'I really love you Jayy,'_  I silently said as I leaned in and quickly pecked his lips before pulling away and, after throwing off the covers, standing up. ' _So when I ask you if you'd ever cheat on me, put my mind to rest and say no.'_

* * *

 ***Dahvie's POV**  
  
"Babe," Brown eyes flicker from the windshield to blue eyes filled with love and hesitation. "Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, we can always head back."  
  
"No," I reply, shaking my head as I threw open the passenger door and climbed out. "I want to do this, Jayy, trust me."  
  
"Okay," Jayy sighed, his tone articulating his doubt as he followed suit before walking over to me and intertwining our hands. "Just remember, I meant what I said that day; you are my future, babe, and I only love you."  
  
"I love you too," I whisper, smiling softly as I squeezed his hand before letting him lead me through the cemetery.  
  
' _Alright Dahvie,'_ Pink lips part as I slowly inhale to calm my gradually escalating heart rate, my thoughts coming together as I started to plan. ' _Here's what you're going to do: you're going to mee Christopher, and then...'_  
  
 _'And then...'_ I freeze, my body stiffening as I realized one thing. ' _Oh shit, I don't have a plan!'_  
  
So in tune with my panic, I never noticed Jayy stopping and turning towards me until I felt a soft hand stroke my cheek.  
  
"Are you okay, babe?" Jayy whispered, blue eyes shining with concern. "We can leave at any time, you know that?"  
  
"I-I'm fine," I respond, cheeks heating up as I leaned into the touch while my lips continued moving. "And I know. I-I'm just...just n-n-nervous."  
  
Wincing at the stutters, I quickly pull away and connect our hands together.  
  
"Come on," I gently nudge him, avoiding his suspicious gaze. "Lead the way."  
  
It felt like forever before Jayy finally started moving again, his hand tightening on mine as he constantly looked over his shoulders towards me.  
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, I keep up with Jayy's long strides as I sink back into my thoughts.  
  
 _'Just be subtle,'_ I commanded, my brown eyes trained on our hands connected. ' _Don't give the fact that you're suspicious and insecure away, just ask him if he'd ever cheat on you and be done. But don't bluntly ask him that, imply it!'_  
  
Sighing, brown eyes squeeze shut as I inhale a deep breath before releasing it as we stopped.  
  
Brown eyes fly open as I step around Jayy and face the grey headstone that looked much more worn down than when I saw it at sixteen.  
  
"Dahvie," Brown eyes flicker up from the headstone and connect with blue eyes. "This is Christopher. Christopher, this is my boyfriend Dahvie."  
  
Silence descends around the air as I gaze down at the headstone, my head tilted as I nibbled on my bottom lip.  
  
"It's not going to bite, babe," Jayy teased as he released our hands and wrapped one around my waist. "It's just a-"  
  
"Would you ever cheat on me?" The question, the one I had planned on asking, slips out before I can stop it.  
  
Olive cheeks flush bright red as I hear a startled gasp, my brown eyes firmly gazing down at the ground as Jayy unwrapped his arm from my waist.  
  
 _'Real good job, Dahvie,'_ I sarcastically compliment myself, lips pursing as my eyes squeezed shut.  _'That was real subtly. What happened to, oh I don't know, **hinting? Implying?** What happened to that amazing plan of your's?'_  
  
Heart wrenching, I shake my head as I continue to berate myself while remorse and depression flow through my veins like fish.  
  
 _'God damn it, Dahvie!'_ I silently hiss as olive hands curl into tight fists. ' _Good fucking job on ruining the best damn thing you ever had just because you were insecure! Now thanks to that lovely little doubt, I just lost the man I loved, the man that's my life.'_  
  
Shoulders slumping, I start to turn on my heels but freeze as arm quickly wraps around my waist and turns me around.  
  
Brown eyes fly open, glazed with unshed tears, and connect with sad blue eyes.  
  
"No," Jayy slowly replies, his tone articulating his sincerity and determination. "Never."  
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, I sag into my boyfriend's body.  
  
"'M sorry," I whisper as I wrap my arms around his neck. "B-But, last Friday when you cancelled, you lied to me and-and I thought...."  
  
"I'm sorry," Jayy whispered as he tightened his arms around my waist before softly kissing my head. "I shouldn't have lied to you and made you think that. But, babe, you have to know that I would never cheat on you, not in a million or even a trillion of years."  
  
Gently pulling away, pale fingers grasp my chin and tilt it up until our eyes collided.  
  
"Your mine, just as I am your's," Jayy whispered as he gazed into my eyes. "And I love you with every inch of my body."  
  
"I love you too," I whisper as I lean in and connect our lips, shivers racing down my spine as I relaxed.  
  
It was that day that I swore to myself I would never accuse Jayy of cheating ever again.


	6. Sneaking Out doesn't ease Suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, bookmarks are appreciated it <3

**~Thursday~  
  
* Dahvie's POV**  
  
Brown eyes owlishly blink, an olive hand coming up and scrubbing at the pair as my sleep filled mind tried to comprehend (which was really hard when I just literally woke up) what I was seeing: there stood my boyfriend frozen at the threshold, pale hands clothed in a pair of mittens tightly gripping the dorm's doorknob.  
  
 _'Again?'_ I silently asked while a sigh escapes from pink lips as I sat on top of our bed and scrubbed my face with exhaustion, doubt, and fear wearing thin on my small form.  _'Really Jayy?'_  
  
Olive shoulders slump as my thoughts continue whirling, brown eyes clenched shut as I attempted to push away my feelings.  
  
Unfortunately, the gods were not on my side.  
  
 _'It hasn't even been two weeks since that day at the cemetery where Jayy promised he'd never cheat on me,'_ I slowly started, my form starting to shake as reality became all too apparent to me. ' _And already he's acting suspicious again! This is the first time I caught him sneaking in-and I'd really like to know when he had the chance to sneak out when I know for a fact we fell asleep **together-** but it certainly isn't the first time he's been later than usual.'_  
  
The memories of the past week start flooding my brain like a tsunami, my form shaking even harder as the facts started adding up (and that really did not help my heart, which was racing like a cheetah).

* * *

 _~ **Monday~**_  
  
 _ **Ring! Ring!**_  
  
 _Brown eyes snap up from the textbook they had been reading as my cell phone's rings break the silence that had fallen.  
  
 **'I wasn't expecting anyone to call,'** I silently said, my brows furrowing as I pushed away from the wooden desk and walked towards the source emanating the noise._  
  
 _An olive hand reaches out and grasps the buzzing item, brown eyes softening while a grin curled over pink lips when I notice the caller was Jayy.  
  
Quicker than a snake, I slide to accept and bring the speaker to my ear.  
  
"Hey, Jayy bear!" I chirp as my small legs glide over the carpet and plant me straight on the bed, the grin never wavering. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm fine, babe," Jayy's voice reaches through the speaker and wraps around me like a cocoon, all my previous stress about the giant test tomorrow fading away. "Kevin and I are going to head over to Library for a project we were assigned."  
  
"That's fun," A laughter bubbles out of my mouth when Jayy's snort goes through my ear.  
  
"Yeah, fun," Jayy sarcastically agreed, a grin implanted on his lips.  
  
"Well then, have fun with your research," I continue, brown eyes flickering back to the textbook I was attempting to memorize. "When will you be back?"  
  
"Around eight," Jayy replied, my head instinctively nodding before I stopped with a soft giggle when I remembered he couldn't  see me.  
  
"Okay," I responded as I got back up and returned to my textbook. "I love you, and have fun on your research."  
  
"I love you too, babe," Jayy instantly said, the smile on my lips growing even as the line went down.  
  
Putting the phone down besides me, brown eyes float towards the clock while taking in the flashing 6:00 P.M.  
  
 **'I hope Jayy has more fun researching then I do memorizing,'** I silently said, my lips forming a pout as I let out a soft sigh before diving back in the world filled with facts and procedures (and headaches, definitely headaches).  
  
The seconds flew by- the minutes gradually turning into hours-but I never noticed, too consumed by the black bolded words written on the white sheets of paper.  
  
 **Ring! Ring!**  
  
A groan escapes its prison as brown eyes finally remove themselves from the book, floating towards my cell phone lite up with Emily's name shining.  
  
 **'What could Emily be calling for?'** I inquired, my brows furrowing as I tried figuring out what my female best friend could possibly want while my olive hand shot out and quickly accepted the call before putting it to my phone.  
  
"Em?" I greet, my tone articulating my bafflement.  
  
"Dahvie!" Emily responded, relieve evident in her tone. "Thank god you answered! I was wondering, have you seen Kevin? He said he'd be back at 8:00 but it's nine and I'm worried."  
  
"What," I jerky up, my small form straightening as brown eyes flickered to the clock which revealed...nine o'clock. "Jayy was supposed to be here too!"_  
  
 _Brown eyes flutter closed as I inhaled and continued sucking in the oxygen floating inside the room like a cloud, my heart jumping and racing as fear rushed through my veins._  
  
 _ **'What if something happened to him?'** My mind whizzed around with worst case scenarios, doing nothing but causing my heart to constantly stop and run. ' **W-What if he's lying somewhere bleeding? What if-if he's d-d-dead?!'**  
  
Choking out a strangled sob, brown eyes reopen as I quickly end Emily's call before speed dialing Jayy's number.  
  
 **Ring!**  
  
The cell phone buzzed in my ear, my heart thundering as I waited for Jayy to pick up.  
  
 **Ring!  
  
'Come on, Jayy!' **_ _I silently screamed inside my head as olive hands shook like an earthquake, my form shuddering while choked back whimpers escaped my mouth. ' **Pick up your goddamn phone!'**  
  
 **Ring!  
  
'No, no!' **Brown eyes clench shut as crystal clear tears form, my hands shaking as I held the cell phone in a tight death grip. ' **Don't you dare go to voicemail, don't you-'**_  
  
 **" _Sorry if I missed your calls, fuckers. It either means I can't reach my cell or I don't want to talk to you. Either way, call back later. Oh! And if your name's Dahvie, then I love you baby."  
  
Beep!_**  
  
 _Brown eyes snap open, the tears falling down as a hysterical laughter left my lips when Jayy's voicemail rang in my ear._  
  
 **'God fucking damn you, Jayy,'** I silently cursed, my mental tone both fond and pissed as my grip tightened.   
  
Pink lips part as I sharply inhale before launching off the chair and re-dialing Jayy's number again.  
  
And again.  
  
And again.  
  
And  **again**...  
  
But it was all the same result: Jayy's voicemail.  
  
Jayy's voice, but no actual Jayy.  
  
Pacing olive colored feet stop in the middle of the room, my hands running through my black and lavender hair as I tried fighting off the panic attack I felt steadily creeping to the surface.  
  
 **'What if something happened?'** I couldn't get that query out of my head, the question buzzing in my ear like a bee (that really needed to go away before I ended up suffocating).  
  
It was the sound of the door opening that snapped me out of my despair, my small body quickly turning around and breaking into a run as my boyfriend walked into the room.  
  
"Jayy!" I cried as I slammed straight into his tall body, sending both of us tumbling but I didn't care. "Fuck! I-I thought s-something h-had ha-ha-happened and I was s-so w-w-worried and-"  
  
Pink lips stop moving as I give into my tears, my throat clenching around my vocal chords as I kept myself tightly wrapped around Jayy like a koala bear.  
  
"Sh," Jayy hushed as he wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me as he littered kisses all over my head. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."  
  
And that's what he kept repeating over and over, keeping me tight in his embrace and whispering how sorry he was and that it would never happen again.  
  
Unfortunately, he lied.  
  
It happened again.

* * *

 _ **~Tuesday~**  
  
"And I was like, 'What the fuck, bitch?'" Pink lips curled into a grin as Emily burst out laughing, her blue eyes glittering with unshed tears as her pale hands gripped her sides.  
  
 **Ding!**  
  
Green eyes blink in confusion as my eyes move towards my cell phone sitting besides my starbucks coffee, the laughter that had been prominent suddenly dying out.  
  
"Who is it?" Emily questions as she rubs her eyes, a curious expression scrawled over her face.   
  
"It's..." I stop as I reach out and pick up the phone, olive fingers gliding the black bar down and clicking on the new text message. "It's Jayy."  
  
Green eyes scan the bright screen, taking in the text words as a frown grew over my face.  
  
A sigh escapes its prison as I respond while my thoughts instantly activate.  
  
 **'Why are you coming home so late, Jayy?'** I silently wondered as I place the phone back on top of the circular table, olive hands tightening on the plastic cup as I took a sip while green eyes gazed out of the clear window.  **'What is it that's so important that you have to come home later than usual with nothing but an excuse of "sorry"?'**  
  
"What does it say?" Emily's soft inquire breaks me out of my thoughts, green eyes snapping over to concerned ridden blue orbs.  
  
"It said that Jayy would be home late," I replied, my eyes dropping to the table to avoid meeting Emily's bewildered stare.   
  
"Why is he staying out so late?" Emily asks, blue eyes drilling a hole inside my head. _  
  
 _Pink lips firmly stay closed as I shrug in response, still actively avoiding her gaze while I wondered the same thing._  
  
 **'Why are you staying out so late, Jayy?'** I silently wondered, nibbling at my bottom lip before shrugging it off. ' **It's probably nothing, maybe Jayy's just overflooded with homework. He did say since Christmas break was gradually approaching that his professors were giving them a lot of work. Yeah, that's the probable answer.'**  
  
So I switch topics, choosing to talk about how Emily's and I's classes were going to ignore the festering doubt clawing underneath my skin like a fiendish monster.  
  
That night, Jayy came home later than what he said.  
  
 **Again.**

* * *

 _ **~Wednesday~**_  
  
 ** _'It's becoming a common theme, isn't it?'_** _I metaphorically asked as brown eyes blankly gazed at the ceiling while the clock continued flashing the same digits._ **'Saying one time but coming home later. Is this funny or something to him? Does he like making me worry and doubt so fucking much that I can't think about anything?'**  
  
Groaning, brown eyes flutter shut as my conscious comes forth and harshly reprimands me.  
  
 **'Don't act like an asshole, Dahvie!'** My conscious upbraids. ' **Jayy's probably busy, and you acting like a clingy, bitchy boyfriend isn't helping his stress levels!'  
  
'** **How the fuck would you feel is your boyfriend not only comes home later,. but willingly lies to you?!'** I hiss in reply, olive hands curling into clenched fist as anger flamed deep within my belly.  
  
' **Newsflash, I am you!'** My conscious snaps, the reply causing all the anger to drain out of my like air flowing out of a popped balloon.  
  
 **'You're right,'** I sigh as I re-open my eyes, my heart heavy with remorse and shame. ' **I shouldn't doubt him so much.But I-I just can't help it! Jayy's-Jayy's sexy and amazing and smart and just...just amazing. And everyone knows it! That's why he's got his own fan club and stalkers!'  
  
'But that doesn't mean you should think Jayy's cheating on you!' **My conscious points out.  
  
' **No, but these insecurities are killing me,'** I refuted as I flipped over and curled into a fetal position, my nose buried in Jayy's pillow. ' **And I know-god do I know-Jayy would never cheat on me, but I still can't help but doubt it; Jayy's sex on legs, I'm just...just me. Why have someone like me when Jayy could have anyone he wants?'  
  
'** **Did Jayy choose them, though?'** My conscious inquires. ' **Did he take them to his ex-boyfriend's grave? Did he tell them his life story? Did Jayy let them meet his mother? Did he do anything that he's done with you?'  
  
'** **No,'** The answer is small, but I knew my conscious had a point (and for once I'm thankful for having a conscious).  
  
 **'Then stop doubting him, Dahvie,'** My conscious gently murmurs. ' **Oh, and another thing: I may be you, but I think you're sexy as hell.'**  
  
A soft giggle escapes my mouth as my conscious fades away, a soft smile tugging at my lips before it dropped when I lifted my head to check the time.  
  
10:00 P.M the digits flash.  
  
Sighing, I drop my head back on to pillow before moving towards Jayy's side and submerging myself in the unique scent tainted by cigarette smoke (that didn't turn the scent bad, but made it more prominent).  
  
 **'He was supposed to be here at 9,'** Was my last thought as I drifted off into a fitful sleep.

* * *

 _'And now we're here,'_  I silently said, my body sagging as I finally raised my head and looked at Jayy who was still standing at the door with horror and shame written all over his face.  
  
"Dahvie, I-" Jayy starts, brown eyes sad and pleading for forgiveness, but I raise on olive hand as I shake my head.  
  
"Don't, Jayy," I whisper, my voice filled with nothing but resignation. "Just...just don't."  
  
Jayy nods his head, brown eyes dropping to the floor as he removed his clothing until he was in his black briefs.  
  
My brown eyes stay firmly on the ceiling as I slide back underneath the covers, pink lips pursed as I held back all my questions and accusations (and maybe a couple of tears too).  
  
"D-Dahvie?" Jayy's voice breaks through the suffocating silence, my brown eyes indelibly planted on the ceiling.   
  
"What Jayy?" I respond, my tone just as resigned as before.  
  
"D-Do you want me to sleep in the other bed?" The question takes me by surprise, my eyes removing themselves (guess it wasn't as permanent as I said) from the ceiling and moving towards Jayy with shock glistering through them.  
  
"What?" I inquire, bewilderment and astonishment articulated in my tone.  
  
"Do you want me to s-sleep in the other b-bed?" Jayy repeats, his eyes still gazing at the floor.  
  
Brown eyes continue to stare at my lover while my mind whizzed like an automaton.  
  
 _'Does he want to?'_ I mused, my brows furrowing as I tried to figure out what Jayy was saying. ' _Or is this him saying he no longer wants to sleep with me?'_  
  
Ouch.  
  
That one hurt as if someone had driven a knife straight into my heart.  
  
 _'Then why does he sound so...so sad?'_ A groan escapes pink lips as a steady pounding resonates through my skull, brown eyes shutting as I inhaled deeply. ' _Oh fuck it.'_  
  
"No, sleep with me," I reply, brown eyes opening as I flipped over in my usual position (back facing the wall and face facing the other bed). "I-If you want to, t-that is."  
  
"Yes!" Jayy instantly answers, quickly climbing into the bed and wrapping his arms around my waist (and yes, I did relax even though the doubt and resignation was still there). "I love you, Dahvie. You know that, right?"  
  
 _'Yes,'_ I silently said as my brown eyes clenched shut. ' _But that doesn't make my insecurities and doubts just fade away, Jayy. Don't **you** know that?'_  
  
But, instead of saying what I thought and how I felt, I responded in kind.  
  
"I love you too, Jayy."  
  
That night I slept just like I did on Wednesday: fitful and restless.


	7. Unknown Caller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3

***Dedicated to It's Yara Sket for just being amazing <3 Thanks for all your wonderful comments hun :)  
~Friday~  
* Dahvie's POV**  
  
After that night, things between Jayy and I had gotten a... **little** strained.  
  
 _'Little? Really?'_ My conscious scoffs as my words, my brown eyes rolling as I leaned back in the desk chair and blankly gazed at my assignment. ' _More like elephant sized! No, wait, how about ocean sized? Yep, that sounds much more accurate.'  
  
'As I was saying,' _I growled in response as I continued my previous words. ' _Things between Jayy and I have gotten more...tense, than before. I'm angry and doubting him, and Jayy knows it.'_  
  
A sigh escapes pink lips as I slump down, olive fingers dropping the mechanical pencil before letting it roll off the desk.  
  
But I didn't notice, too submerged in my thoughts.  
  
 _'It's not like I want to doubt Jayy, or not trust him,'_ I thought as brown eyes continued staring at the desk with no emotions shining through the orbs.  _'But what am I supposed to do? The more I try and try to not doubt him, the more Jayy does something suspicious! First the lying, then the late times, and then sneaking out! What am I supposed to do when Jayy keeps repeatedly breaking my trust? Breaking it down as if it were nothing!'_  
  
A groan leaves its prison cells as olive fingers start messaging my temples when a familiar (too familiar to be healthy or good) pounding forms inside my skull.  
  
 _'And here comes headache number one hundred,'_ I silently said, my form slumping even more as exhaustion crept inside my bones and covered them like a cloak. ' _Wonder-fucking-ful!'_  
  
Brown eyes disappear as I inhaled steadily before pushing myself off the chair and moving towards the bathroom, my mind focused on one thing that was rapidly becoming a friend of mine: advil.  
  
Olive fingers pulls the glass mirror open before rummaging through the shelves, a relieved smile crawling over my lips as I found the bottle; quicker than a cheetah I untwist the cap and shake out two green oval shaped pills before walking back into the room just as the dorm door opened.  
  
Brown eyes flicks up, connecting with golden eyes, before flickering back down as I searched through the refrigerator for a water bottle.  
  
"Hey," Jayy whispered as he passed by, setting his bag on top of our bed before turning towards me.  
  
"Hi," I reply, brown eyes firmly trained on the ground as I swallowed the medicine and downed it with the cool liquid.  
  
We're silent, my eyes still gazing at the ground as if it were an unknown species while Jayy's eyes burned a hole in my head.  
  
"Dahvie-" Jayy starts, his tone soft and filled with remorse as he started taking a step forward before freezing as his cell phone rang.  
  
"Who is it?" I inquire, my eyes finally raising as I shot Jayy a questioning look because I knew for a fact it couldn't be Kevin (he was still in his classes).  
  
"Um..." Jayy paused as he searched through his bag before pulling out the source blaring his favorite song. "It's no one."  
  
And yet, even though he said it was no one, Jayy was already moving towards the door.  
  
"I'm going to take this," Jayy murmured as he walked out of the door with the phone held up towards his pierced ears, not even giving me the chance to reply.  
  
 _'What was that about?'_ I silently wondered, brows furrowed as I continued gazing at the closed door. ' _More like, **who** was that? It couldn't be Kevin, nor Emily since she's still in her class...'  
  
'Maybe it's his mom?' _My conscious suggested, my frown deepening as my heart skipped a beat because I knew the truth.  
  
 _'Then why not tell me?'_ I shot back as I finally sat back down the chair, my eyes never leaving the door as my doubts started creeping to the surface once more. ' _I'm practically family! Why not tell me it's his mom? Why say, "It's nobody" but still take the damn call?'_  
  
A loud groan escapes its prison as I shake my head, forcing all thoughts of Jayy cheating me out of my head (though as each day passed, it became more and more of an actual possibility) before turning my attention back onto my homework.  
  
And if Jayy came back in-his face was excited and filled with joy- and said that he needed to go and would be back soon, well, I ignored the little monster that whispered Jayy was going to meet his new lover.  
  
Because Jayy would  **not**  cheat on me.  
  
...  
  
Right?  
  
Right.

* * *

The second incident wasn't until Monday-which I thank god for because mom was already suspicious about me and her suspicion only grew stronger when she saw, no matter how hard Jayy and I tried, how strained and tense we seemed around each other.  
  
Green eyes roll themselves as my lips curl into a grin when I watch Emily slapping Kevin on the back of his head for the story (which involved books, an unsuspecting female student, and banishment from the Library), a giggle escaping my mouth.  
  
"Easy on him, Em," I chide my best friend, smirking at her glare that she aimed my way. "He only has so many brain cells, we need to prolong the ones he has!"  
  
Pink lips turn into a full blown grin as Emily and Jayy burst out laughing, unfortunately Kevin did not share their sentiment and was currently sulking and pouting.  
  
"I thought you were nice, Dahvs!" Kevin whined, amber eyes turning wide like plates. "I thought we were friends!"  
  
"We are," I respond, taking a sip from my starbucks plastic cup before continuing. "But I love teasing and picking on you."  
  
"So cold," Kevin sulked as he laid his head on top of the table while his tone articulated his playful sadness. "So heartless, all of you!"  
  
"You love us, you know you do," All three of us replied in a sing song voice, barks of laughter leaving our mouth.  
  
"I guess," Kevin grinned as he joined us in the laughter.

  
A sigh escapes my lips as I gaze at my two friends, relief flowing through my body as everything went well.  
  
 _ **'This**  is how it's supposed to be,' _I silently said as green eyes connected with icy blue, a matching grin etched over Jayy's pierced lips. ' _Laughing with our best friends, love and happiness in the air, no doubts or insecurities...I missed this. I never realized how much until now. Everything's...everything's perfect. And not a single call was ma-'_  
  
Karma is one word (two, really): a bitch.  
  
Why?  
  
Oh, no reason, just that fact that she must've been listening to my thoughts and decided (in that evil, wicked way of her's), "Oh, well why don't I ruin Dahvie's life again? Show him that he should never speak too soon."  
  
Basically before I could finish my thought about the phone call, Jayy's phone rang.  
  
A small form tenses, olive fingers clenching my drink as I turned my green eyes on to Jayy.  
  
"Who's that?" The query slips out before I can stop it, my conscious cursing me for sounding like a jealous (and clingy, and suspicious, and-you get it) boyfriend.  
  
"It's just someone," Jayy waved off my question as he started sliding out of his seat, icy blue firmly trained on the ringing item. "I'm going to step out and take it, okay?"  
  
Pink lips part as I attempt to respond (with what? "No, don't leave." "No, don't take it." "Stop making me so damn suspicious!" Which one would I have said?) but my voice dies away when Jayy walks out of the room without a backwards.  
  
A sigh escapes my mouth as I slump down, green eyes revealing how depressed I felt about the whole situation.  
  
"Dahvie," Green eyes slowly raise and connect with amber that radiated sincerity and seriousness. "I know that Jayy's been acting all weird and suspicious, but remember this: he loves you as if you were life itself, hell, you  **are** his whole life! He loves you, just..."  
  
Kevin pauses, his tongue peeking out and running along his bottom lip as his eyes flickered to Emily for a minute before returning to me.  
  
"Just believe and..." Once more, Kevin pauses, his eyes flickering towards Emily again (who was know frowning in bewilderment and suspicion). "Don't give up."  
  
Green eyes continue gazing into amber as I let his words sink into my brain, realizing that Kevin knew what Jayy was up to and that he was basically telling me that Jayy wasn't cheating on me.  
  
I should've felt relieved, happy.  
  
Then why do I feel so-so empty, distrustful?  
  
 **Why can't I feel anything but this doubt?**  
  
But I nod anyway, forcing a weak smile that was anything but real, and turn my attention towards the glass window where Jayy stood speaking into his cell phone.  
  
' _I love you, Jayy,'_ I silently said, green eyes saddening as I tore them away from the man that was my whole universe and trained them on my clenched hands. _'But I can't not doubt you when you act so suspicious. I just can't.'_  
  
The only thing that was getting me through all this was the knowledge that Jayy would never cheat on me.  
  
Correct?

Correct.

* * *

The third unknown call was on Wednesday; Jayy and I were watching a movie, homework finished, when the phone rang.  
  
Things were still tense, and ever since these phone calls started happening the line's gotten thinner and thinner as my doubts started surfacing with vengeance, but we were trying to prevail and make our relationship last.  
  
It was actually going okay, you know besides the fact that there was a thick suffocating air wrapping around us, until his stupid fucking phone rang.  
  
"It's-" Jayy started speaking as he grabbed his cell and checked the name, brown eyes brightening before dimming and connecting with mine when I finished his sentence.  
  
"Nobody," I deadpanned, my brown eyes now blankly staring at the TV. "But I'm going to head out and take it. Right, Jayy?"  
  
"Dahvie," Jayy sighs while his brown eyes gazed at me with hopelessness radiating from them, but I ignored it.  
  
"Just take it Jayy," I whisper as uncurling my body from his, my eyes never flickering towards him. "Just-just take it."  
  
"Okay," Jayy responded, faltering before standing up and accepting the call.  
  
And you want to know the one thing that really got to me?  
  
He didn't start speaking until he walked out of the room.

* * *

Fourth call was on Thursday, and it was the same memo: Jayy's cell rang with the same unknown caller popping up on his screen, he took it and left without ever explaining, and then returned with a bright grin crawled over his face.  
  
After that, he said he needed to go to "work" (though I knew it was a lie because there were some days when Jayy didn't work and yet he said he needed to go there) and left.  
  
Just like that.  
  
So, when his cell rang for the fourth fucking time, I can honestly say I was fucking angry and exhausted (you try loving someone so much and then having facts pointing to them cheating rubbed in your face).  
  
Golden eyes narrow as I jerk up from the bed I was lying upon and stormed over to the ringing item, olive hands curling around the object and picking it up just as Jayy walked out of the bathroom with steam bellowing from behind him.  
  
"What are you doing with my phone?" Jayy questions, brown eyes narrowed as he noticed his cell in my hands.  
  
"It was ringing," I slowly start, my hand clenching around the still ringing phone while my golden eyes narrow right back. "And you were still in the shower, so I thought I would get it."  
  
"Well, I'm out," Jayy shrugs as he steps towards me, a pale hand outstretched. "So gimme."  
  
"No," I whisper, shaking my head as I stepped back. "Not until you tell me who it is."  
  
"It's no-" Jayy starts, aggravation articulated through his tone as he took another step forward.  
  
"It's not nobody, Jayy!" I snapped, olive fingers gripping the silent cell in a death grip as I stepped backwards. "If it was, you wouldn't take it! You wouldn't talk to this person and walk out with not a single explanation!"  
  
"I don't have to explain anything to you, Dahvie!" Jayy growled as he once more stepped forward, brown eyes flaming with anger and hurt (I bluntly ignored the last one). "Now give me my fucking phone!"  
  
"No!" I replied while taking a step backwards, my voice articulating my anger and determination. "Give me a fucking answer, Jayy! Who the fuck is it?!"  
  
"It's no fucking body!" Jayy screamed as he lunged for the phone, a squeak escaping my lips as I ducked and ran over to the bed. "Damn it, Dahvie! Give me my fucking phone!"  
  
"No!" I hissed, my small form tense and straight as I glared at my boyfriend. "Who is it Jayy, huh?! Who the fuck is it?!"  
  
Brown eyes shoot daggers at me, pierced lips pursed as his nostrils flared.  
  
However, before any of us could continue speaking, the cell phone came back alive.  
  
Golden eyes float down towards my phone, golden eyes narrowing as I glared down at the offending object, my lips pursing as I threw him the phone; golden eyes watch as he easily catches it and accepts the call, turning his back on me as he walked out the door.  
  
White teeth clamp harshly clamp down on my tongue as I slowly breathe in, trying and failing to fight the anger steadily coursing through my veins.  
  
 _'I can't take this,'_  I silently said as my eyes fluttered closed, my form plopping down on our bed as olive hands tiredly scrubbed over my face.  _'I can't take the arguing-which has rapidly become an occurring theme-and doubts, and insecurities, and fears. I just can't take this anymore.'_  
  
A muffled moan escapes my lips as I push myself off the bed and head towards the shower, shoulders slumped and posture bent as I tried reminding myself that Jayy loved me and I loved him, and that he would never do anything to ruin our relationship.  
  
Because Jayy would never cheat on me.  
  
Yes?  
  
Yes.  
  
Why then, when I'm constantly saying it, do I doubt those words?  
  
Because I doubt them.  
  
I doubt them a lot.

* * *

It was on Friday, November 28 that I finally got the answer I was looking for.  
  
It was also the night that everything-our relationship, our trust, our  **love** -fell apart.  
  
Purple eyes blankly gaze at the dorm door where Jayy had walked out of, saying he needed to grab his textbook and that he'd be back soon.  
  
Shaking my head, I snap out of my trance as my eyes float upwards to the ceiling while my mind started talking again.  
  
 _'You know,'_ My conscious slowly starts, a groan escaping my lips because I knew when my conscious spoke it meant it was lecture time (Yay! Notice the sarcasm).  _'_ _They say that it's doubt and lack of trust that causes a relationship to fall apart.'  
  
'_ _I didn't doubt Jayy until he started acting suspicious!'_ I silently protested, purple eyes narrowing and glaring frostily at nothing but the creeks craved in the ceiling. ' _It's not my fucking fault he lied and sneaks out and accepts calls from an unknown number!'  
  
'And yet it's you who's causing all these fights,' _My conscious refutes. ' _It's you and your stupid insecurities!'  
  
'They're not stupid!' _I growled in response as I rolled off the bed and stood up, crossing my arms over my chest covered in a purple and black checkered button up shirt while my legs clothed in black skinny's started pacing around the room like a lion caged. ' _I'm fucking human! We have fears and insecurities and doubts! They're not stupid when they show that I'm human and that my feelings for Jayy are true!'  
  
'But they're not good!' _My conscious fights back, unsheathing its claws. ' _Because of those doubts-because of those insecurities-your making everything worse!'_  
  
' _I'm not the one sneaking around, lying, and-'_ My response dies off when a song pierces through the silent air like an arrow.  
  
Brows furrow as purple eyes scan the room, searching for the source that was singing the song.  
  
It was only when they settled on Jayy's cell that I remembered he hadn't taken his phone with him.  
  
' _This is my chance!'_ I realized, purple eyes widening before I dashed towards the computer desk and quickly picked up the cell lite up like a star. ' _Finally! Now I can find out who this unknown caller is.'_  
  
And so, with my heart thundering in my chest, I accepted the call and placed the speaker next to my ear.  
  
 **Th-Thump...Th-Thump...Th-Thump**  
  
"H-Hello?" I greet, my words tumbling over themselves as my limbs shook with anticipation.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
 **Th-...**  
  
Purple eyes widen, pink lips parting as my heart stopped beating, blood rushing through my ears the only noise I could hear.  
  
Because the voice that answered the voice?  
  
 **Was fucking male!**


	8. The Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3

**["Cold Shoulder" by Adele](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKLFumQeqpE) Listen to this while reading this chapter!  
  
*Dahvie's POV**  
  
 _'The voice was male,'_ The realization rang throughout my mind, olive fingers slackening and letting the cell phone clatter to the floor...but I didn't notice.  
  
No, all I could notice-see, hear, feel-was the same realization constantly repeating through my head like a mantra: The voice was male.  
  
 _'I-It's true,'_ I silently said, purple eyes rapidly filling with salty tears that dribbled down my cheeks like raindrops. ' _J-Jayy's a-a-actually ch-ch-ch-cheating o-o-o-on m-m-m-me.'_  
  
A strangled sob rips out of my throat, my small form trembling and quaking as despair reared its hideous head and tore through my body like a gun shot.  
  
 _'Jayy's cheating on me,'_ The thought circled around my head like a scavenger-it was constantly picking and nipping at every nerve and vein in sight- while repeating over and over as sobs and whimpers (the kind that were heart breaking and soul shattering) escaping my mouth every single second that passed by.  
  
It was the sound of the door opening that snapped me out of my tight gripping anguish, my small form slowly turning around while purple eyes gradually raised up until they clashed with crimson red.  
  
"Hey bab-" Jayy stops speaking as he turns around, red eyes instantly noticing the tears and desperation written all over my face. "What wrong?"  
  
Pink lips part, my vocal chords fighting tooth and nail to get out a sentence or a word, but all that escaped was a strangled cry as the tears slide down faster and dripped onto the floor.  
  
"Dahvie," Jayy slowly says as he steps forward, concern and hurt flashing through his eyes when my legs instantly stepped back. "Dahvie, baby, tell me what's wrong."  
  
"I-I-I-I-" A whimper leaves my lips as I shake my head, sobs flying into the air like air planes (only these metal birds would not for the life of me leave or stop, no matter how hard I bit my tongue) before I stepped back once more when Jayy took another step forward.  
  
"Dahvie, love, talk to me baby," Jayy whispered into the room as he stepped forward again while reaching out one arm towards my retreating form, the air crackling with tension and fear and distress. "What's wrong?"  
  
"D-D-D-D-Don't t-t-t-t-t-t-t-touch m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me!" I screeched, my form trembling even harder as the whole month washed over me and all the little facts-the facts that clear said Jayy was cheating, the signs I pointedly ignored-became clearer as I continued stepping backwards until my back collided with the wall.  
  
"Dahvie, what's wrong?" Jayy queries while his pierced brows furrowed as he finally stopped moving towards me, a good sized distance hanging between us but for some reason it didn't feel far enough.  
  
The room felt small as if the walls were closing in on me while the distance felt like it wasn't enough; it needed to be big and wide like an ocean, something that would (preferably) keep Jayy far far from me.  
  
This whole thing, the suspicious behavior and unknown phone calls, needed to be a nightmare-a dream, something that wasn't real and was all in my head,  _something that I could wake up from._  
  
But no matter how many times my olive fingers pinched and pinched my arms (the skin rapidly grew red though I gave it no heed), no matter how many times I closed my eyes and tried waking up,  **nothing happen**.  
  
And it was when I realized that one harsh cold fact that I broke down completely, crumpling to the ground and sobbing and screaming my lungs out while batting and flinching away from Jayy's touches.  
  
' _This isn't a dream!'_ I silently screamed, the tears falling and falling endlessly as I buried my face in my knees while rocking back and forth in some vain attempt to keep in control. ' _This isn't a dream! It's real! All of it, everything, it's all fucking real!'_  
  
That was the moment everything just fell apart: my  _life_?  
  
 **Ruined.**  
  
My  _mind_?  
  
 **Wounded.**  
  
My  _heart_?  
  
 **Broken.**  
  
My  _soul_?  
  
 **Shattered.**  
  
It was in that moment, sobbing and screaming (the word "No" and "It can't be real" over and over) and scaring the absolute fuck out of Jayy, that I lost everything.  
  
"Dahvie, Dahvie baby please calm down!" Jayy cried, his pale hands trying to touch me but I quickly batted them away while desperately wishing Jayy wasn't here. "Damn it Dahvie!"  
  
"J-J-J-J-J-J-J-Just l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-leave m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alone!" I shouted, finally raising my head as I weakly glared at my boyfriend's ( **ex** , my demons maliciously whispered) face. "P-P-P-P-P-P-Please!"  
  
"No!" Jayy growled as he crouched down until we were eye-to-eye, red eyes burning with worry and determination. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."  
  
Hopelessly shaking my head, purple eyes squeeze shut as I deeply inhale through my mouth (my nose was currently congested with mucus and snot, I highly doubt I'd be able to even get a whiff of air) while trying to gain some sense of control over my spiraling life.  
  
 _'Calm down,'_ I silently commanded, olive hands balling into fists before I brought them up and harshly scrubbed at my face while keeping up my deep breathing. ' _Calm the fuck down because you won't be able to get answers if you're consumed by your desperation.'_  
  
So I kept up my routine of complete darkness and breathing, gradually gaining control over my body.  
  
Crystal clear tears that had once stormed finally ceased raining down my olive cheeks flushed red.  
  
Screams and sobs that had once rang throughout the room finally died down until the only sound heard  was my labored breathing.  
  
Trembles that had once rushed up and down my body finally slowed until I was no longer shaking like a leaf in the wind.  
  
Purple eyes re-open, blankly gazing down at the ground while I stood up and walked past Jayy and towards the door before freezing and turning around.  
  
"I want answers," I whispered into the silent room, my voice strong and firm (thank god I could act like I just hadn't broken down). "What have you been up to, Jayy?"   
  
"Not this again," Jayy groaned as he stood up, red eyes articulating his exasperation and irritation. "I told you before, Dahvie, it's-"  
  
"Don't you dare fucking say it's nothing!" I snap, olive hands clenching as waves of anger washed over my like a shower. "Because it s something, Jayy, it is!"  
  
"And what is it, Dahvie?!" Jayy inquires, pierced lips pursed as he crossed his arms over his chest while his gaze pierced through mine. "I fucking told you that I would never cheat on you, but for some god damn reason you can't see that!"  
  
"And what else am I supposed to think Jayy?!" I snap in response, my arms crossing over my chest as I mirrored his pose. "You lie straight to my face, you sneak around, and then you get unknown calls from a fucking guy no less!"  
  
"You answered my phone?" Jayy whispered, shock and horror articulated through his tone as his red eyes widen.  
  
"Yes," I reply, my upper teeth tugging at bottom lip as my heart wrenched in remorse at Jayy's pain filled eyes. "Y-You weren't around, a-a-and I-I wanted to know who was calling."  
  
"Do you not trust me at all?" Jayy whispered, the pain heard quite loudly in his voice as he stepped back. "Do you, Dahvie? Do you not trust me when I say I would never cheat on you? Do you not trust me when I say "I love you, Dahvie" every day? Do you?!"  
  
And with each question he fired not only did his voice grow louder and louder, but also my heart skipped and flipped with shame and guilt.  
  
 _'I should've had more faith in Jayy,'_ I silently said before shaking my head while pushing aside the guilt because damn it I wanted answers!  
  
"I-I trust you Jayy, but-" My answer is cut off by Jayy taking a step forward and interrupting.  
  
"No, Dahvie, no you don't," Jayy whispered, crimson red eyes filled with sadness as he shook his head. "No you don't, so don't try and lie to me."  
  
Wincing, purple eyes fall to the floor as my teeth start tugging at my bottom lip once more while my thoughts surged forward like battle soldiers.  
  
' _What happened to us?'_ I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. ' _We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'_  
  
But I knew the answer to that: me.  
  
Me and my stupid fucking doubts.  
  
Purple eyes snap open when soft footsteps echo around the room, my gaze moving upwards as my olive arm shot out and blockaded Jayy's movements.  
  
"Just-just t-t-tell me," I whisper, purple eyes trained on Jayy's chest as I sharply inhaled before looking up and meeting his crimson red eyes. "A-A-Are you ch-ch-ch-ch-cheating on m-m-m-m-me?"  
  
Purple eyes search Jayy's eyes, looking and hoping and praying that I would find some emotion that denied it.  
  
But all I found was a blank gaze looking right back at me.  
  
My olive arm drops, purple eyes wide and glazed with tears as my heart froze and stopped beating.  
  
 _'S-S-So it was t-t-t-t-true,'_ I realized, the tears popping back up and sliding down as I turned away from the man who was my whole universe. ' _J-Jayy was ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cheating on m-m-m-m-me.'_  
  
And that, that broke me beyond repair because I was no longer dealing with little hints and signs; I was dealing with the cold hard fact that caused my whole world to crash and burn right in front of my eyes: Jayy was cheating on me.  
  
Sobs break out of their prison, the door slamming shut barely reaching my ears that only heard blood rushing through them, as my shoulders tremble before I shake my head and quickly dash around the room pulling out my clothes and stuffing them in my bag; the tears ran down like blood as I bit my tongue to hold in the screams and whimpers threatening to break out again.  
  
 _'Find Emily,'_ I told myself as I tightly gripped onto my control that was rapidly slipping away. ' _Find Emily.'_  
  
That was my only thought, the tears streaming down and whimpers breaking out all through the mess, as I stuffed as many clothes into my bag as I could before running out of the room and straight towards Emily's (and her roommate's, Sarah) dorm.  
  
I don't know how I got there, or even remember running out of the building and towards Emily's building; all I could hear was the same thought echoing inside my head that seemed indelibly burned on to my brain:  **Jayy cheated on me, Jayy cheated on me, My boyfriend cheated on me, The love of my life cheated on me, My life cheated on me.**  
  
And when I was pounded against Emily's door, screams clawing at my throat as they tried to escape to let the world know just how much pain I was in, I couldn't decide which sentence was worst.  
  
 _'All of them,'_ My conscious quietly responded, a hysterical laughter bubbling out of my mouth as I realized I was trying to give myself some sense of normality-of familiarity.   
  
Thankful, before I had to respond (and god knew it would've been a cracked reply), the door swung open revealing my best friend rubbing her eyes in exhaustion.  
  
"Dahvie?" Emily frowns as she notices me, blue eyes narrowing into slits when she noticed my distressed face. "Boo what's wrong?"  
  
Pink lips part, my vocal chords singing with words and phrases (and a lot of curse words), but all that comes out is a jumbled mess.  
  
"Oh honey," Emily sighed as she quickly grabbed me and enveloped me into a tight hug, and I broke down for the second time that night in the arms of my best friend. "Sh, sh, tell me what's wrong."  
  
"JayycheatedonmeandIfeelsostupid!" The confession came flying out of my lips as sobs and whimpers broke through, the tears soaking her black tank top. "Ishould'veknownIwasn'tgoodenoughandI'muglyandfatandnooneleastofallsomeoneasgorgeousandamazinglikeJayywouldwantme!"  
  
Yet, some how even though the words were mushed together and broken up by sobs, Emily understood.  
  
That night, I slept in Emily's arms with tear marks staining my flushed cheeks with with thought haunting me even in my dreams.  
  
 _ **'Jayy cheated on me.'**_


	9. I Screwed Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3

***Dedicated to my honeyboo: MariVonMonroe  
~December 18~  
*Jayy's POV**  
  
 _'This is my fault.'_  
  
That was the only thing that I could truly think about; it was the only sentence passing and circling through my brain like some disease that wouldn't go away.  
  
 _'This is all my fault.'_  
  
And I don't which hurt more: the fact that it was the only thing I could think about (it practically haunted me day and night, even in my dreams!) or the fact that it was true  
  
A wince flashes across my rugged face, dull brown eyes sparking before dimming as my heart clenched at the latter option.  
  
 _'Definitely the true part,'_ I bitterly thought, my gaze blankly gazing at the wall standing across from me as I sat paralyzed upon Dahvie's and I's bed.  _'No, not Dahvie's **and**  your bed. Just  **your**  bed now.'_  
  
Brown eyes clench shut as a fresh wave of tears crash over my eyelids and skim down my pale cheeks, the memory of our break up all to fresh inside my mind like a burn that wouldn't heal.  
  
 _'He avoided me for two whole weeks,'_ I sourly thought as the tears fell and fell endlessly, my pale hands curling in as black painted fingernails pierced through the fragile skin covering my hand. _'Two whole weeks of staying in Emily's dorm and avoiding my calls and texts, until one day out of the blue I get a text from him saying two words that shattered everything I loved.'_  
  
Shivers race up and down my body as the memory of that day-that fateful, earth (and heart, and soul, and-you get the point) shattering day-consumes me, wrapping its lethal arms around my waist and pulling me under its black murky surface.

* * *

 _ **~December 12th~**  
  
 **Ding!**_  
  
 _Brown eyes snap up from my textbook, dark bags colored underneath the pale eyelids as it landed on my cell phone lit up with a text message.  
  
 **'I swear to god if it's Kevin calling me to ask how I am,'** I slowly started threatening my best friend as I pushed away from the compute desk and stormed over towards the table. ' **I am going to fucking kill him! Anyone, even a goddamn blind person, can see that I'm not okay! I mean, how would you feel if the love of your life was actively avoided you and ignoring your calls, texts. Add to that, his best friend hates my guts right now because she thinks I'm cheating on Dahvie!'**  
  
My attention's snapped back to the present when a sound pierces through the room, brown eyes falling on top of the lite screen before they widened and filled with hope.  
  
 **'I-It's Dahvie!'** I realized, shaking my head as my pale hands quickly fumbled for the phone. ' **Wait...why would...why would he text me now after avoiding me for two whole weeks?'**_  
  
 _White upper teeth peek out from under their pink cave and start tugging on my piercing, the sharp little flashes of pain hardly distracting my from the dread steadily pooling inside my stomach._  
  
 __ **'M-Maybe it isn't as bad I think it is,'** I tried being optimistic, pale fingers hovering over the black sliding bar beckoning me to pull it down and click on the two unread messages from "My baby <3".  **'Maybe Dahvie's finally realized that he's been paranoid and that I'm not actually cheating on him. Yeah, that's probably it.'**  
  
But when my fingers finally mustered the courage to pull down and click on the text messages, I realized that I was so very very wrong.  
  
Because on the screen wasn't an apologize, or a request to meet and talk it out, or even a simple "I love you" confession.  
  
No, it was the reason dread had entered and coursed through my body; it was two words that broke my heart and caused my whole world to combust all around me, the pieces and debris flying everywhere:  **"We're over."**  
  
Brown eyes widen, pink pierced lips parting as my jaw hit the floor, while my fingers slackened and let my cell phone clatter to the floor-It was in that moment that I realized that I screwed up, and I screwed up big time.  
  
Long pale legs clad in black sweats give out from underneath my suddenly too heavy weight, causing my body to harshly crash into the ground but I didn't recognize the pain over the blood racing back and forth through my ears.  
  
 **"We're over."  
  
"We're over."  
  
"We're over."**  
  
The words repeated themselves over and over like a song that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to banish it, marking and permanently burning themselves on my brain so that I would never forget the two most urgent things:  
  
One, I lost the boy I loved-the boy who was my whole  **universe** , my  **world,**  my  **life**  for god's sake-due to some stupid shit both of us did.  
  
Secondly, I screwed up.  
  
And I could blame it on Dahvie, but he was in the right because I was acting suspicious with all my lying and sneaking around and those phone calls really did  **not**  help.  
  
Brown eyes fill with tears that slip over my eyelids and down the dark circles painted under my eyes like raindrops before little sobs and whimpers start leaving my mouth that gradually grew louder and louder until I was screaming my vocal chords raw.  
  
It was only later on, when I was curled in the other bed (the one Dahvie and I never slept in) with tear stains marked along my flushed cheeks, that I remembered there was  **two** unread text messages.  
  
Pierced lips purse as I sharply inhale before picking up the phone with a trembling hand and reading the second message.  
  
It was that moment that I wondered which pain was worst: the pain of losing the boy I loved and wanted to spend my life with forever, or the pain from the two words screaming from the screen that was rapidly adding salt to my open wound:   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
I needed a new phone after I read that message.  
  
And tissues.  
  
Loads and loads of tissues.

* * *

Brown eyes snap open as I resurface from the never ending sea, my lips parted and gasping in deep breaths as I tried calming my twisting heart that was heavy with regret and depression.  
  
 _'Don't think about it,'_ I helplessly tried to order, knowing even now that I wouldn't be able to do that. ' _Don't think about it.'_  
  
But it was useless attempting to do something I couldn't do; it was like trying to fight love for someone that you didn't want to be in love with but still loved them anyway regardless of your opinions.  
  
It was that same burning hot force that constantly burnt you when you were aware and prepared, unaware and unprepared.  
  
 _'It's all my fault,'_ I despairingly thought, brown eyes springing up with tears (the ones I had been trying so hard to fight) as my demons came out to play like they always do ever since we b-b-b-b- _that_  word up. ' _If I had just told D-D-Dahvie what I was doing from the start, we wouldn't be in this mess. But how the fuck was I supposed to know he'd jump to the conclusion that I was cheating on him?! What would ever make him think that, when he knows it's him and **only**  him that I want?!'_  
  
White teeth grind together, the tears slipping over and racing down my sunken in hallow cheeks (apparently, when you stop eating and drinking and going out and basically living, you look like...well, like a zombie that had been killed fifty thousand times for the better lack of description) as the memories of everything start thundering over me like a storm.

* * *

 _ **~November 7th~**_  
  
 _ **Ring! Ring!**_  
  
 _Long pale legs freeze in their tracks, green eyes shooting towards my pocket where my cell phone sat ringing and buzzing away like some party.  
  
 **'Who could be calling now?'** I silently mused, pierced brows furrowing as I dug the phone out. ' **I hope to gods sake it isn't Dahvie saying he needs more time to do his stuff, god knows I will make fun of my baby no matter what.'**  
  
A grin tugs at the corners of my lips before I accept the call, not even looking at the number, and greet the person._  
  
" _Hello?"  
  
"Hello?" Green eyes widen when a female voice responds, my heart skipping a beat as the women introduced herself. "Mr. Monroe? This is Kelly from Jared, I was wondering if you could stop by for something important? It's about your ring."  
  
"Is everything okay with it?" The questions slips out of my lips, my heart twisting as I silently prayed that it was approved and could be made.  
  
"Oh yes, yes!" Kelly quickly replies, horror articulated in her tone. "We just like to double check with our customer's and make sure it meets their satisfaction."  
  
"Okay, yeah," I agree, nodding my head before continuing my interrogation. "What do you need me to do?"  
  
"Could you come down and look at the photo you designed?" Kelly inquires. "And fill out a couple more paper-works?"  
  
"Sure," I respond, the grin growing as I remembered the ring I had specifically costumed for Dahvie. "Definitely! I'll be down soon, say in tenish minutes?"  
  
"That would be wonderful, Mr. Monroe," Kelly breathes a sigh of relief, gratitude clothing her tone. "Thank you very much, sir."  
  
"Yeah, no problem," I wave off her gratitude before hanging up and dialing Dahvie's number only to freeze when I remembered it was  **Friday**...which was  **date night**._  
  
 _ **'Shit,'** I silently curse, a groan leaving my mouth as I drag a free pale hand over my face while my brain sparked with possible ways to call of our date.  **'What the hell am I supposed to say? I can't tell Dahvie that the reason I'm calling of our date is because his ring that I customized has been approved and made! That would ruin all my plans! No, I need something else...'**_  
  
 _And when I came up with a good lie, the one about working late, I forgot one important piece of information:_ ** _I had specifically told Dahvie that I wasn't working Friday.'_**

* * *

 _'That's what caused it!'_ I jerked out of the memory at that sudden realization, my brown eyes widening (albeit they were glossy and bloodshot but that doesn't matter) into saucer plates. ' _That day! Dahvie must've-no, he_ _ **did** know and that's why he started becoming paranoid! Hell, any lover would start becoming suspicious when they're lover lies to their face-well, er ear.'_  
  
A sigh filled with dejection and resignation escapes its prison cell as all the pieces started coming together, making me feel even shittier than before because it was all my fault.  
  
The suspicion, the insecurities and doubts, the fights, the falling out... **they were all my fault.**  
  
 _'Shit,'_ I thought as brown eyes squeezed shut, the waves of guilt washing over me over and over until it was the only thing I could focus on. ' _I screwed up. I screwed up big time.'_  
  
I'm snapped out of my melancholy thoughts by another memory slamming straight into me like a hammer.

* * *

 ** _~November 16th~_**  
  
 _A tall form clad in all black quietly creeps through the hallways, brown eyes constantly flickering left and right to make sure no one was following; once satisfied the coast was clear, I rush towards the dorm door and quietly open it before slowly walking in only to freeze when the lamp light flicks on and reveals Dahvie (cutely, if I must say so myself) rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he gazed at me._  
  
 _ **'Oh shit,'** I think, brown eyes wide as I continued staring at Dahvie-who was now rubbing his face (and it was in exhaustion for my attitude and finding me like this, not because he just woke up) and getting lost in thought judging by the spaced out looked scrawled over his beautiful face.  **'Oh fuckity fucking shit, I'm screwed! I'm so fucking screwed! And it's not even going to be the kind of screwed that I like!'**  
  
' **Really, Jayy? Really?'** My conscious growls, irritation colored all over its voice. ' **Your boyfriend just caught you sneaking in-the act itself looking shadier than shady-and all you can think about is sex? Fucking really?!'  
  
'Well, no,' **I sighed, shaking my head as I turned my attention back onto Dahvie who was still lost in a trance. ' **But it's not what he thinks it is! I'm not cheating on him! I was just at Jared's again, this time I was with Kevin who was also picking out a ring for Emily even though he's going to purpose in February I think, but he wants to get a head start like me.'**  
  
 **'Yes, but does Dahvie know that Jayy?'** My conscious inquires, crossing its imaginary arms over its imaginary chest.   
  
' **No,'** A sigh parts from my lips as my shoulders slump down, realization of just how bad this situation look coming to me.   
  
 **'Exactly!'** My conscious snaps, no doubt about to continue but it dies down when Dahvie snaps out of his trance._  
  
 _"Dahvie, I-" I quickly start, my voice begging for him to understand but my voice dies down when he raises an olive hand._  
  
 _"Don't, Jayy," Dahvie whispers, his voice filled with nothing but resignation. "Just...just don't."_  
  
My head slowly nods, brown eyes dropping to the floor as I started removing my clothing until I was in my black briefs.  
  
I watch as he slides back underneath the covers, gaze trained firmly on the ceiling.  
  
"D-Dahvie?" I break the suffocating silence, my gaze trained on my lover.  
  
"What Jayy?" He responds, his tone just as resigned as before.  
  
"D-Do you want me to sleep in the other bed?" I query, pale hands curling into tight little fists as I silently begged whatever god there was that the answer would be no.  
  
"What?" Dahvie inquires, bewilderment and astonishment articulated in his tone.  
  
"Do you want me to s-sleep in the other b-bed?" I slowly repeats, my eyes dropping to the floor.  
  
 **'Please don't say yes,'** I silently pleaded, mentally getting down on my knees and begging. ' **Please, love, don't say yes.'**  
  
And, as if some god was forgiving me for not telling Dahvie everything, my wish was granted.  
  
"No, sleep with me," Dahvie finally answers, his tone faltering as he continued. "I-If you want to, t-that is."  
  
"Yes!" I instantly reply, quickly climbing into the bed and wrapping my arms around his small waist. "I love you, Dahvie. You know that, right?"  
  
"I love you too, Jayy," Dahvie responds, a smile growing over my lips as I relaxed.  
  
 **'Thank you god,'** I silently thanked whatever deity saved my relationship before drifting off into dreamland.

* * *

 _'And then the phone calls happened,'_  I bitterly added before swimming in that memory.

* * *

 **~November 24~**  
  
 _The phone calls were all the same: they were updates about the ring._  
  
When the first one happened, it was about an estimated date of when the ring would be finished (which was mid-December).  
  
The second call was another date, this time it gave a time frame which was December 15-25.  
  
The third call was another a specific week which was the week of the fifteenth.  
  
The fourth call was the one that was the most important because it was when Kelly gave me the exact date: December sixteenth.  
  
As for the fifth call-the one that I didn't get to until the next day when Dahvie disappeared from the room (thank god I got a text from Emily, no matter how stilted and rude it was, telling me he was safe)-it was just a reminder to pick up the ring.

* * *

 _'All of this was caused by my stupid actions,'_ Pierced lips are harshly tugged on as my gaze drops to the covers pooled in my lap. 'And and my stupid fucking actions.'  
  
 _'And because of those choices I naively made,'_ I continued on the dark train. 'I lost the man I loved, the man who I bought a ring for, the man I had plans to spend my whole life with.  _'Wasted, broken, all in a mere matter of seconds. And all because of me.'_  
  
A hallow chuckle leaves my lips before I stand up, the kinks popping and sighing in relief, and move towards the window that revealed a land beyond the clear glass covered in white.  
  
' _I really fucked us up this time,'_ I sullenly thought, brown eyes blankly gazing out of the window and past the snowflakes drifting down. ' _Didn't I, my dear?'_  
  
It was the phone that brought me back to the present, the cell phone tune blaring throughout the room.  
  
Sighing in aggravation, I stalk towards it and harshly pick it up before freezing when I read the I.D.  
  
 _'What would Emily want with me?'_ I wondered, pierced browns furrowing as that dread once more entered my veins. ' _Last time I checked, she hated my guts and would like to torch me on sight for "cheating" on Dahvie.'_  
  
Inhaling a deep breath, I accept the call as my body gradually start to tremble like a volcano about to erupt.  
  
"H-Hello?" I greet, my heart pounding against my chest as I waited for the screaming.  
  
But the voice that answered wasn't screaming obscurities or seething with rage, no, it was choked up as if they...had...been...crying.  
  
 _'Oh god,'_ I thought, my heart racing even faster as the dread started spreading everywhere like a virus. ' _What happened?!'_  
  
My answer came in a strangled voice and world exploding news.  
  
 **"J-J-Jayy? I-I-I-I-It's D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Dahvie...H-H-H-H-H-H-He's i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-in-in th-th-th-th-th-th-the h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hos-hospital."**


	10. I Can't Live Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not, under any circumstances, every commit suicide; no matter how dark the days and nights seem, there's always reasons to stay: Even if no one else cares, remember that I-and others-care. DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE NO MATTER WHAT (INCLUDING IF YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER).  
> I do not own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3

Listen to ["The Lonely," by Christina Perri](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9YQPWqTnx4)  
 **Warning: Chapter contains self-harm and attempted suicide**  
 ***Dahvie's POV**  
  
How did it come to this?  
  
Lost inside this fog, constantly running into dead ends over and over, never finding the way out.  
  
How?  
  
How did I fall down so hard, so fast?  
  
Stable and standing on my own two feet mere weeks ago, yet now I'm crumpled on the ground with tear marks staining my cheeks while crimson red steadily drips down the cuts littering my translucent olive arms like tears that always seem to fall from my bloodshot eyes.  
  
 _How?_  
  
That's the only thing running through my head filled with cotton, judging by the inability to comprehend anything but the hollowness radiating from my chest.  
  
 _'How did I lose everything, everything I loved and wanted and **needed?'**_ I wondered, brown eyes void of any emotion blankly gazing at the wall across from me. 'Oh, that's right: me. Me and my stupid fucking doubts and stupid fucking actions.'  
  
A hollow chuckle leaves my lips, the sound low and husky from lack of disuse.  
  
 _'I deserve this, don't I?'_ I darkly thought, my eyes dropping on to my once relatively flawless arms now stained with ugly scars written from the blades of metal. ' _I deserve this pain, emptiness, this loneliness... **everything.**  I deserve every single fucking thing.'_  
  
Steady olive fingers clench around the razor, slowly lifting it and adding just another mark to the seemingly never ending collection.  
  
' _This one_ 's  _for being stupid,'_ I reasoned as I sliced yet another jagged line across my arm, crimson red instantly springing to the surface. ' _This one's for being naive; this one's not trusting J-J-J-Jayy; this one's for breaking it off; this one's for being ugly; this one's for being born.'_  
  
And with each reason my gnarled mind consumed completely by my demons came up with, the more the jagged lines grew and grew until not a speck of flawless skin peeked through.  
  
Well, almost not.  
  
Brown eyes fall on top of the pale olive skin patch reveling the greenish-blueish veins that seemed even more apparent than ever.  
  
' _I lost everything,'_ I bitterly thought, brown eyes squeezing shut as the tears re-started. ' _All because I was stupid and filled with too much hurt to think clearly; why the fuck did I break it off with J-J- **him**? Why did I ruin all that we had, the thing that was once beautiful and sparkling with love? Why?!'_  
  
Sobs tear out of my throat as a tsunami wave slams straight into me, the regret and remorse momentarily overriding the hollowness (though it'll be back soon).  
  
 _'How could I just e-e-end it?'_ I wondered, whimpers escaping my mouth and flying into the air like a bird.  
  
And I didn't which was worst: the fact that the only thing I could feel was like a hollow tree, or the fact that I couldn't even justify an answer to that question that has plagued my head like a disease.  
  
 _'_ _I gave it all up!'_ I silently screamed, olive hands bunching together while ignoring the razor's handle digging into my sickly colored olive palms. ' _Everything, the kisses and dates and happiness and love...I gave it all up because I couldn't deal with the fact that J-J-J-J- **he** had cheated! All those moments, the ones where it was just us, I gave up.'_  
  
And, as if the fates wanted to mock me and pain me even more, a wave of memory slammed straight into me...taking me under its bright surface that seemed to burn my skin like fire.

* * *

 _ **~Age 16; High School; Dahvie's POV~**_  
  
 _"A movie? Really?" I inquire, shooting Jayy a raised eyebrow. "Is this an excuse to grope me while "comforting" me when we watch a scary movie? Because if so, you can take your sexy tattooed arms and rip them off."  
  
"You think my arms are sexy?" Jayy grinned mischievously, playfully flexing his arms causing me to roll my blue eyes.  
  
"I am not making your ego even bigger than it already is," I respond, a grin curling over my lips as Jayy shot me pout while opening the door for me.  
  
"You wound me, babe," Jayy playfully grinned as he walked after me, intertwining our hands while exaggerating his next sentence with his free hand. "Right here, in my chest. You just broke my heart."  
  
"Holy shit," I breathe, blue eyes widening as I stop and turn towards Jayy with astonishment scrawled all over my face. "You have a heart?!"  
  
"Ha, ha, very funny," Jayy faked laugh, though a true smile slide over his lips as he leaned down and teasingly brushed our lips together. "Good to know my  **boyfriend** has some fire in him...then again, I already knew that when you slapped me."  
  
"B-Boyfriend?" Blue eyes widen even more (if possible), pink lips parting as I gazed up at the taller teenage. "R-R-Really? I-It's only our second date!"_  
  
" _So?" Jayy murmurs, green eyes connecting with mine as he raised one pierced eyebrow (and seriously, how does one manage to look so fucking sexy while doing that?). "I like you, you hopefully like me, and I-I want you to be my boyfriend."_  
  
"Did the Jayy Von Monroe just stutter?" I teased the bad boy, a mischievous grin painted over my lips as Jayy pulled back and defensively crossed his arms over his black V-neck shirt (It was adorable, but I won't say that. God knows he has a big enough ego).  
  
"So?" Jayy huffed in reply, avoiding my eyes as his normally pale cheeks flushed red. "I am human actually, you know."  
  
"I'd hope so!" I giggled as I intertwined our hands and squeezed before releasing them and walking towards the counter while shooting a genuine smile over my shoulder. "After all, I have no clue how I'm supposed to tell my family my boyfriend is actually some demon from hell."  
  
"Oo feisty," Jayy chuckled as he jogged to catch up. "I like it."  
  
"I know," I shoot him a sideways smirk before turning my attention on to the female standing behind the counter.

* * *

Gasping, I resurface from the memory while the tears continued streaming down but I didn't notice.  
  
 _'I-I remember that day,'_ I mournfully thought, another sob tearing out of my throat as my eyes clenched shut and let the tears rain down. ' _God I-I was so h-h-happy to know that we were official, that Jayy really did want us-me. God, nothing could compare just how happy I was that day. **Nothing.** '_  
  
Unfortunately, before I can stop it or prepare myself, another song of memories slams straight into me like a tune.

* * *

 __ **~Age 17; High School; Dahvie's POV~**  
  
"You...you were dead serious," I whispered as I gazed at the scenario in front of me, purple eyes wide like a saucer plate.   
  
"Of course I was!" Jayy huffed as he gently guided me towards the picnic he actually said he'd do, taking a seat upon the black picnic blanket. "I don't joke when it comes to something as important as you or our dates."  
  
"So if you asked me to marry you, I should be expecting the whole complete truth and not a prank," I attempt cracking a joke, trying to snap out of the shocked and happy trance I had swam underneath.  
  
"Yes," All the air promptly stops in my esophagus causing me to choke at the very solemn answer.  
  
"H-H-Holy shit," I breathed, turning my head over towards Jayy. "You're serious."  
  
"Well, I wouldn't do it now, clearly," Jayy shrugged as he pulled out the food packed in plastic containers, his pale cheeks gradually getting red as he continued with his confession. "But...but someday, you know? In the future...maybe after we graduate..."  
  
"You think we'll last that long?" I query, purple eyes trained on my boyfriend of a year as he scooped out a good serving size and palce dit on the plastic plates.  
  
"Well, yeah...d-do you?" Jayy murmurs, green eyes flicking up for one moment before flicking back down but it reveled just how afraid he was of the answer.  
  
"Yeah," I answer with complete confidence as I reached over and squeezed his hand, our eyes connecting as a sincere smile crawled over my lips. "I do."  
  
"Good," Jayy grinned as he looked around before leaning in. "Because I don't plan on letting you go for a long ass time."  
  
And I giggled, the words just so true and hilarious, but the giggle quickly dies down as Jayy connects our lips.  
  
That day, the kisses we shared seemed sweeter than usual.

* * *

_**~Age: 18; High School; Dahvie~** _

_"Looks like we actually did it," My golden eyes shoot towards my boyfriend, a grin crawling over my lips at his amazed expression. "We actually made it through this hell."_  
  
"And we stayed together all through it," I responded as I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, golden eyes sparkling as my body thrummed with excitement and happiness.  
  
"We did, didn't we?" Jayy whispered, a matching grin coloring his pierced lips. "Well, I did say I wasn't planning on letting you go anytime soon."  
  
"Really? I thought it was just because you were a possessive bad boy," I teased my lover, giggles erupting from my lips as Jayy attacked  my sides that were insanely ticklish.  
  
"I'm your bad boy, baby," Jayy grinned as his hands froze in their tracks, curling around my waist as he pulled me close to his body until space was nonexistent.  
  
"Yes," I solemnly murmur as I wrap my arms around his neck and beam up at him. "Yes you are."  
  
And Jayy grins, the smile sending my heart into overdrive and warmth spreading through my veins, before doing something we tried to avoid doing in both school and public: he kissed me.  
  
It was right then and there that I knew that no matter what our ups and downs may be, we'd always be together.  
  
Always.

* * *

Glossy bloodshot brown eyes snap back open, my mind finally coming back to the present that was nothing like the past.  
  
 _'No longer is time happy and content, free and spinning,'_ I bitterly thought as my stare was directed at the wall, the red still falling and mixing with clear.  _'No longer am I filled with glee and completeness, smiling and laughing.'_  
  
 _'Now I'm just a shell of what I used to be,'_  The thought was sullen and sour, my hand curling in and turning into fists. ' _Now I'm lifeless, silent, incomplete, chained to these demons...when was the last time I even smiled? When was the last time I fucking spoke?!'_  
  
Anger boiled beneath my cut and scarred skin, the blood rushing even faster.  
  
But as soon as the anger formed, it quickly simmered and died down when my demon spoke in that mocking tone of its.  
  
' _Oh, so you think you deserve to be angry when all of this your fault? Tsk, tsk, how selfish can you be, Dahvie? Hm? Then again, you've already lost all that mattered, so what does adding to that faulty list do? Oh, that's right: **nothing**.'_  
  
And that-that hurt, so fucking much...  
  
And it was so, so fucking true.  
  
' _It's all my fault,'_  A scream bubbles beneath my vocal chords, the tears sliding down at lightning speed now, but I quickly clamp my white teeth down on my tongue. ' _It's all my fault we're in this mess...I fucked us up. I fuck everything up!'_  
  
Sickly pale olive hands curl in, the handle bringing my eyes back to the razor held like a life line in my palm; I don't even think, my arm already moving as if a string was attached and someone was controlling it before the stained metal once more made contact with my skin and made yet another mark to show my imperfection.  
  
 _'There was only one person in this world who could make me smile,'_ I mused as I continued scrapping open my arm, crimson red the only thing my eyes and body could truly understand. ' _Only one person who could me laugh and cry and **feel**...and I  **lost**  him.'_  
  
Brown eyes clench shut, all the memories of my ex-boyfriend surfacing and blinding me with their sheer radiance as the razor continued moving up and down...left and right...over and over again...  
  
Until finally, the memories of his beautiful  **smile**  and  **face**  and  **eyes**  and  **body** and everything about  **him** become too much to bear.  
  
Brown eyes flutter open, my eyes no longer filled with tears but determination and resignation, before I look down and life up the razor while my heart pounded like a drum inside my ears.  
  
' _Do it,'_ My demons purred, the metal hanging centimeters above my veins. ' _Do it. End it. The pain shall fade away, you'll be free. Do it.'_  
  
And with such compelling arguments, how in the world can I say no?  
  
I have nothing to live for, because I  **can't**  live without Jayy.  
  
' _I can't live without you,'_ I sobbed, brown eyes refilling with salty water as I gradually lowered the blade. ' _I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm weak and pathetic; I'm sorry I ruined all that we had; but most of all, I'm sorry I ever hurt you, J-J-Jayy.'_  
  
And with my sorrows confessed, no matter if they were internal and silent for no one to ever hear, I slide the blade across my veins and relish in the blood that sprung up quicker than a cheetah and slide down.  
  
Brown eyes droop, the blood coming out much faster than I had anticipated, but I didn't care.  
  
I was finally feeling something, finally escaping the pain.  
  
 _'Good-bye, Jayy,'_ I thought, my small thin form fully colliding with the tiled floor covering the bathroom as the blood drained out of me. ' _I...love you.'_  
  
Darkness, black and beckoning with such sweet promises, rapidly crept over my vision as my life faded away right in front of my eyes.  
  
And just before black fully claims me as its own, a scream pierces the air.  
  
 _"Dahvie!"_


	11. Apologies and Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. Comments, bookmarks, and kudos are appreciated <3

*** Emily's POV**  
  
Bright white lights hang over brown hair, the cold tiled floor (that was currently being paced on rather viciously) glowing like a halo.  
  
But the tall female brunette with blue eyes did not notice, too focused on her white nails rapidly disappearing by her white pearly teeth and swirling thoughts.  
  
 _'H-How could he d-d-do this?'_  I silently wondered, tears once more filling my eyes as the scene played over and over in my head like a movie.  _'How could D-Dahvie attempt c-committing s-s-suicide? Was he that depressed? How did I-I never n-n-notice?! I'm his motherfucking best friend for god's fucking sake!'_  
  
And once more, a wave of remorse and claw shredding shame slams straight into me causing me to stumble back and collide with the wall.  
  
 _'I should've known,'_ Blue eyes clench shut as the tears slowly start rolling down my pale cheeks, white upper teeth peeking out and harshly tugging at my bottom slip.  _'I should've seen the signs! How the fuck didn't I notice him losing himself, falling deeper and deeper into that black abyss?! How?!'_  
  
 **That** was the second worst thing about this entire situation (the first being the fact that my best friend since High School tried killing himself): the fact that I, Emily Marie Argon and Dahvie's BFF, couldn't even answer that.  
  
Shivers course up and down my body as the image of what I had stumbled upon in the bathroom shoots across my vision like a spark.  
  
 _'T-There was so much blood,'_ A sob, broken and filled with helplessness, escapes my mouth as the tears cascade down faster while the wall continued digging into my BVB covered spine. ' _So much blood...everywhere...the floor, his clothes...arms...'_  
  
Another strangled sob leaves my lips as I slide down the wall until my black skinny jeans covered butt crashes into the tiled floor, my tall form trembling like land in an earthquake.  
  
 _'I should've done something,'_ I growled, the tears falling like rain drops. ' _I should've known! Why the fuck didn't I know? Why couldn't I see the signs that were **so fucking obvious?!** W-Why?!'_  
  
However, before I can continue drowning in my pitiful thoughts, I'm jerked out of mind when I hear my name called throughout the quiet hallway.  
  
 **"Emily!"**  
  
Glossy blue eyes still shedding salty crystal clear liquids snap up and clash with amber, my heart skipping a beat as I saw my boyfriend rushing towards me with panic and concern radiating from his form.  
  
"K-Kevin," I croaked out while my bottom lip quivers as I slowly got up before stumbling straight into his arms that instantly curled around my waist, my face buried in his shoulder as the sobs racked my form and soaked his white V-neck T-shirt.  
  
"Oh fucking god K-Kevin, i-it was a-a m-m-mess and th-th-there was s-s-s-so much bl-bl-bl-blood and-and-" My lips part and the confession tumbles out in waves of senteces and words before they clamp shut as my throat constrcits around my vocal chords.  
  
"Sh, sh, it's okay love," Kevin whispered against my hair as he gently squeezed my waist and tried his best to comfort me. "It will all be okay, I promise."  
  
"B-B-But h-how?!" The query slips out, my throat constricting like a snake as the sobs continued racking my form.  
  
"It just will, honey," Kevin murmurs as he once more kisses my head, rubbing circles in my tailbone as he settled down on a cushion waiting chair with me in his lap. "It just will."  
  
And I accept it, too exhausted to fight the answer.  
  
It was only when Jayy's voice screams throughout the hallway that I snap out of my trance and, after lifting my head, turn my gaze on to Dahvie's ex-boyfriend's tall form.  
  
"Listen here you fucking bitch," Blue eyes widen before returning to their normal size because, really, of course Jayy would be pissed and screaming when he found out Dahvie was in the hospital. "If you don't fucking tell me where my goddamn boyfriend is, I will-"  
  
"Jayy!" Kevin groans, amber eyes rolling as he turned and glared at his best friend while tightening his grip on me as if to hold me back (which, okay, I do deserve when I have repeated told him that if I ever saw Jayy's face again I would promptly burn it and feed it to lions). "Man really? Go and scaring the poor nurses now?"  
  
"If it was Emily, what the fuck would you do?!" Jayy hissed as he stormed over towards us while I abruptly fell over upon closer inspection of Jayy.  
  
 _'Holy fucking shit!'_ I silently hissed when I took in the taller boy's body and face.  _'It looks like he's been run over fifty thousand times and then had his eyes dunk in salt water!'_  
  
And that was the best way to describe the bloodshot glossy brown eyes filled with concern and anger, the pale sickly skin, the hollow cheeks, and the black circles that hung underneath his eyes like stars.  
  
 _'Wait, why the fuck would he look so shitty?'_ Blue eyes sparked with a flaming fire as anger momentarily replaced my guilt. ' _He was the one who caused this! He fucking cheated on Dahvie!'_  
  
A feral growl escapes my lips as I attempt lunging at Jayy, my tall body twisting and turning as I struggled against Kevin's sudden iron clad grip.  
  
"Get of me!" I seethed as I continued fighting the arms, trying in vain to escape and kill the bastard that caused all of this. "Let me go! It's his fucking fault!"  
  
"No it is not!" My form instantly freezes, all movements paralyzed, at the anger articulated through his tone. "Don't ever say something like that when it's not true!"  
  
Blue eyes slowly remove themselves from Jayy as they turn and connect with my boyfriend's glare, the amber eyes filled with rage and a silent warning.  
  
"W-What?" I whisper, shock and hurt coursing through my veins as I looked into my boyfriend's eyes.   
  
"Jayy never cheated on Dahvie, Em," Kevin slowly stated, the anger fading and replacing themselves with honesty (though there was still a hint of anger).  
  
"B-But wh-what was he doing then?!" I inquire, my brows furrowed as my paralyzed brain tried comprehending what Kevin was saying.  
  
"He was..." Kevin pauses, his pink tongue coming out and swiping at his lips when he looked over my shoulder and straight at Jayy before continuing. "Jayy was looking for a ring for Dahvie. He was going to propose this month on Christmas."  
  
Blue eyes widen before popping out of my sockets, the horror and shame slamming into me like a stranger accidentally crashing into me.  
  
 _'Oh,'_ I silently said, all the puzzle pieces breaking apart and re-arranging themselves until the real picture sparked across my eyes. ' _That-That explains everything! The lying, later times, sneaking out, unknown phone calls...everything. Oh god, oh god, I just accused Jayy of doing this! Shit!'_  
  
"Oh," But that was all that came out of my desert dry mouth, my blue eyes still wide as I sat frozen on my boyfriend's lap. "Oh."  
  
"Yeah, oh," Kevin forced a small smile as he unwrapped one arm from my waist and brought it up before cupping my cheek gently and stroking away the tears. "Jayy loves Dahvie, Em, I thought you knew that."  
  
"I-I just-I mean I-well it looked..." The excuses tumble out of my mouth before I stop them, my sentence hanging in the air like a noose.  
  
Pink lips part as I sharply inhale the oxygen floating around before slowly turning around and facing Jayy, blue clashing with brown.  
  
"I-I'm sorry," I whisper quietly, my gaze sincere as shame continuously lapped at my body like a wave, "F-For accusing you...I should've-should've known better."  
  
"Don't be," Jayy shot me a cynical smile as he bitterly chuckled, the sound sending shivers (the bad kind) racing down my spine. "You're right. I did cause this. All because I was too stupid to realize that my actions weren't the best way to go."  
  
"Jayy, man, it's not-" Kevin starts to protest but his voice dies off when Jayy holds up a pale hand and shakes his head, black hair lifelessly sitting upon his head not even moving an inch.  
  
"It is," Jayy whispered, determination and remorse painted all over his tone. "Don't try and say it isn't."   
  
We're silent for a minute, both Kevin and I trying to think of something to say but drawing a blank, while Jayy sadly sighed and plopped down on the waiting chair sitting across from him.  
  
"Just-just tell me he's going to be okay," Jayy whispered, brown eyes flickering between Kevin and I before settling on me. "Please."  
  
A hot pink tongue slithers out and brushes against my red lip as an internal war broke out inside my mind.  
  
 _'Tell him the truth!'_ One side urged me, their voices loud and clear and beckoning.  
  
 _'Lie! Don't tell him! You've already done enough damage, haven't you?'_ Another side refuted, taking a swipe at my guilt that was lying beneath my pale skin.  
  
White teeth peek out as I try picking the best response, but it seemed like my prolonged silence was an answer enough.  
  
"Great," Jayy whispered, brown eyes filling with dejection and depression. "This is just fucking great."  
  
Blue eyes soften as I shoot Jayy a sympathetic glance, but he didn't notice since his face was now buried inside his hands.  
  
 _'This is going to be a long night,'_ I thought as I leaned back into my boyfriend, my form finally relaxing as it realized it had someone to lean on. ' _I just hope everything will be okay.'_  
  
And it was that very first night that I actually prayed-I prayed and beseeched whatever god there was to let my best friend live and  **somehow** ,  **someway** , make it through this.  
  
 _'For me,'_ I silently said, my blue eyes landing on Jayy's defeated posture. ' _And for Jayy.'_

* * *

***Jayy's POV**

_'Do the gods hate me?'_ I silently wondered as my brown eyes squeezed closed to hold back the tears threatening to swell up and consume me like they have for the past weeks (cough months cough). ' _Is that it? Is that why they make my life even worst when it's already in its down low? First the man I love and want to spend forever with breaks up with me, now he's basically on the verge of death?! Fuck my life!'_  
  
Pink pierced lips part as I inhale (albeit it was shaking) deeply, trying to push away the turbulent of emotions swirling beneath my skin like a hurricane.  
  
 _'No thinking,'_ I firmly tell myself, hoping I could actually go through with that very hard command. ' _No thinking. Not now, not later. Only when-and it is a when because I won't accept an "if" because Dahvie **has** to live, he  **has** too-Dahvie wakes up, then I can think. But that's only to think about what I'm going to say which is an big fat apology and explanations.'_  
  
And so I waited for six whole hours, attempting to not think at thing...unfortunately, I failed miserably.  
  
Thankfully the Doctor came out before I could get too wound up about my apology (I'm still trying to figure out if I should get down on my knees and say sorry or should I go off in a long ass speech?), three pairs of eyes snapping up and training themselves on the man in a long white coat.  
  
"Are you the family of Dahvie Vanity?" The Doctor questions, green eyes flickering around the room as he raised one eyebrow as if saying he already knew the answer.  
  
"I-I'm his boyfriend," The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them, my form tensing as my eyes turned hard while I waited for the slur or ugly comment.  
  
"And these two?" The Doctor motion towards Emily and Kevin, a small smile tugging at the corner of my lips upon noticing Emily's indignant expression.  
  
"They're his best friends," I reply as I slowly start to stand up, a groan leaving my lips as my stiffness becomes all to apparent.   
  
"I see," The Doctor sighs as his green eyes float between us. "What about his family? Are they on there way?"  
  
"Shit," Emily whispered, blue eyes squeezing shut as she groaned. "I forgot."  
  
"I'll call them," I murmur, pale hands already digging through my pockets and pulling out my phone.  
  
Long nimble finger glide over the screen before clicking on a familiar phone number, slowly bringing the speaker up to my ear and letting the ring wash over my eardrums.  
  
 **Ring! Ring! Ri-**  
  
"Hello?" Pink pierced lips part as I once more inhale, my form tensing even more like a coiled wire as Dahvie's mother answered.  
  
"Hey, Jinnet," I whisper, my pale hand clenching around the phone as I try gathering the courage to tell the mother that her son tried to kill herself. "H-How you doing? Lovely night, right?"  
  
"Jayy, what is this about?" Jinnet instantly shoots towards the question, her voice sounding much more awake than before. "And why in heaven's name are you calling me at...4'o clock in the morning?"  
  
"T-That's the thing, J-Jinnet," I cough out, wincing as I gazed down at the floor and inhaled another deep. "I-I-I-I..."  
  
"What's wrong, Jayy?" Jinnet queries, concern layering her tone. "Is it something bad? Do you-do you need help? Because I can call your mother and-"  
  
"Dahvie'sinthehospital!" The confession slips out, quick and rushed but out there.  
  
"What?" Jinnet parrots, the bewilderment articulated through her tone. "Jayy, speak slow, please!"  
  
"D-Dahvie's i-in t-t-t-the h-h-h-h-hospital," I slowly repeat, brown eyes fluttering close as I held my breath waiting for the response.  
  
"What?!" The phone's jerked from my ear as I wince, my eardrum vibrating from the sudden scream.

"Dahvie's in the hospital?" I repeated, my voice going gradually quieter.  
  
"Oh my god," Jinnet whimpers, the shock quickly wearing off. "My baby, my poor poor baby! We'll be there in five, okay?"  
  
"Okay," I whisper, nodding my head as I raised a thumb towards Emily to signify they were coming now.   
  
"And Jayy?" My attention snaps back towards the phone, my brown eyes gazing at the wall. "Stay by his side until we get there."  
  
And with that order (not a suggestion, that's for sure, but she didn't need to tell me that because I was already going to do that anyway), the line goes dead.  
  
A pale hand moves the phone away from my ear before placing it back in my pocket, turning my attention back to the Doctor.  
  
"They're coming," I inform him, my lips pursing as I spoke the next thing. "Just tell me...i-is he o-o-okay?"  
  
"Define okay," The Doctor murmurs as green eyes clash with brown.  
  
"A-Alive," I choke out the word, pale hands forming into fists as the onslaught of emotions reared back up.  
  
"Then yes," The Doctor nodded his head. "Mr. Vanity is okay."  
  
"Oh thank god," We all breathe, slumping down in our seats as relief rushed through our bloodstream like a virus.  
  
"C-Can we s-see him?" Emily inquires, blue eyes pleading as she looked over towards the Doctor.  
  
The Doctor stays quiet, his gaze trained on us before he started to speak in a low voice.  
  
"You're not supposed to, not until we have the family here, but..." The Doctor pauses before continuing, his voice more confident. "But I think I can make an exception for you three."  
  
"Thank you so much," We all express our gratitude, relief and happiness shining in our eyes.    
  
The Doctor nods before motioning for us to follow (which we quickly did), leading us down the hallway until we got to room 200.  
  
"Mr. Vanity is in here," The Doctor murmurs, placing a hand to blockade my path. "But please be quiet, he's unconscious right now."  
  
"We will," Emily promises, tone sincere and candid.  
  
The Doctor nods before allowing us to enter.  
  
Brown eyes widen as a gasp escapes my lips (soon echoed by Emily and a "shit" from Kevin) upon the image: there stood my babe, arms covered in white gauze and IV cords sticking through them.  
  
"Oh my god," Emily whimpered as she stepped back, a pale hand covering her mouth.  
  
Long lean legs slowly walk towards the hospital bed, brown eyes filling with tear as I took in the translucent skin color covering Dahvie's bones.  
  
"Oh baby," I whisper as my pale hands reach out and gently grip his hand, shivers racing down my spine at how cold it felt. "I'm so, so fucking sorry. So sorry."  
  
Brown eyes squeeze close as I breathe deeply, trying to hold back the tears, before reopening them and sitting on the plastic blue chair placed beside the bedside.  
  
Kevin and Emily soon join me, sitting across from me and gripping Dahvie's hand.  
  
It was a few minutes later before we were joined by Dahvie's parents and my mom; it wasn't a pretty experience, let me tell you.  
  
Jinnet, upon seeing her baby that way, promptly burst out in tears before running over the bed and (after shoving me aside) gripping Dahvie's hand while whispering soothing words; Victor choked on his saliva, eyes wide and facial expression frozen in shock and horror before my mom pushed him towards the bed.  
  
And my mom?  
  
She turned towards me, brown eyes narrowed with suspicion and concern, while motioning for me to come out in the hallway with her and I knew right then and there that I was screwed.  
  
 _'God please let me live through this,'_ I silently pleaded as I moved from the wall and towards my mother, perspiration  breaking out along my palms and forehead. ' _Please.'_  
  
Pierced lips part and gulp in a handful of oxygen as I step outside the room, brown clashing with brown when I turned to face my mother.  
  
"Tell me the truth Jayy," Mom slowly started, her gaze flickering up and down my form before connecting with mine again. "How did this happen? I mean, I know you haven't been coming home these past Saturdays-which was suspicious all on its own-and then your excuse was you were busy, but it was also the same with Dahvie: he hasn't been coming home on the Saturdays, but unlike you, he never even told his parents why! So tell me, how did this happen? You two were okay weeks ago!"  
  
"We..." I trail off, a lump suddenly forming in my esophagus before I swallowed it down and continued in a low voice while my brown eyes broke out connection and dropped to the floor. "We b-broke up."  
  
"Oh dear," Mom whispered, brown eyes widening as she stepped forward and wrapped me into a hug. "Oh Jayy, sweetheart, I am so sorry! B-But how? You two were- **are** so in l-love! How did you two...well, you know?"  
  
"I fucked up," I replied, the answer muffled around the sweater fabric clogging my mouth.   
  
"How, though?" Mom pulled away and looked up at me, her brows furrowed with bafflement scrawled all over her aged face.  
  
"I, uh, I acted really suspicious and D-Dahvie thought I was cheating on him," I whisper, my form shrinking as I quickly continued when a murderous expression grew over mom's face. "But I wasn't!"  
  
"Then what  _were_ you doing, Jeremy Brian Griffis?" Mom hissed, her voice filled with promises of harm if answered wrongly.  
  
"I-I was looking for a r-r-ring," I respond while pale cheeks flush red at mom's shocked expression before I dig through my pockets and pull out a red square case, long pale fingers opening it up to reveal a silver ring with the engravment of "I Love You" written on top of it. "And I was going to ask for permission last this Saturday since I was going to propose on Christmas, but we broke up before I could..."  
  
Brown eyes continue gazing at my mother, waiting for her to show some signs of life.  
  
Thankfully, after a few more minutes of wide brown eyes and parted lips, mom came back to life with a squeal ringing throughout the hallway like a bell.  
  
"Oh baby!" Mom cooed as she instantly wrapped me in a hug, pink lips pulled into a beaming smile. "That is so sweet of you! And the ring, my god, it's so loving and beautiful!"

"Yeah," A bitter smile crawls over my lips as I pull away and place the ring back where it belonged. "Too bad it was all a waste."  
  
"Don't you dare say that, honey!" Mom snapped, brown eyes flashing as she pulled back and slapped the back of my head (pointedly ignoring my wince of pain). "If Dahvie tried to...to, well you know, then that shows he loves you. A lot if he thinks life is worthless without you in it."  
  
"It still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want me anymore," I point out, my chest suddenly going cold as those two words echoed inside my head like a cave.   
  
"Did you ever tell him why you acted the way you did?" Mom inquires, brown eyes filled with curiousity.  
  
"Well, no," I mumble, my head dropping as I cursed myself for not thinking of that. "But he ignored me! He ignored my texts, calls, and he moved out! He even avoided me on campus!"  
  
"But did ever try to explain your actions?" Mom queries, a small smirk growing over her lips at my small no. "Then when he wakes up-and it will be a when because no god wants to face the wrath of two mothers-tell him everything, Jayy, let him know why you did what you did. He'll forgive you, I know he will. He loves you too much to not to."  
  
"Are you sure on that, though?" I ask, my voice small and filled with so much hope it would've broken anyone's heart.  
  
"As sure as the fact that you two are going to get married," Mom murmurs, reaching one small pale hand up and gently patting my cheek. "Now, let's go back inside."  
  
"Okay," I murmur my agreement, hugging her before pulling away. "Thank you, mom."  
  
"You're welcome, sweetie," Mom shoots me one last loving smile before walking back into the room, leaving me out in the now silent too bright hallway.  
  
My lips part as I inhaled before exhaling, gathering all the Gryffindor courage I held and walking back into the room.  
  
 _'Wake up soon, baby,'_ I silently begged as I stood beside Dahvie's bed, my hand gently stroking his cheek. ' _Please. I need to tell you everything; I need to apologize and explain all my actions. I **need**  to.'  
  
' **Please wake up, Dahvie.'**_

* * *

 ***Dahvie's POV**  
  
Weightless.  
  
Free.  
  
Those were two words that could describe how I felt right now; it was like I was floating on cloud nine and forever gently gliding, never touching the hard cold ground.  
  
 _'This is nice,'_ I hummed in appreciation, all the pain and fears and tears and shame I had felt before melted away like shadows. ' _This is really nice.'_  
  
It was only when I remembered  **how** I got here that my brown eyes opened, seeing nothing but black darkness.  
  
' _I-Is this death?'_ I silently wondered, brown eyes floating around but only seeing the color black. ' _Am I d-dead?'_  
  
Slowly, with fear now coursing through my veins, I sit up and look around before allowing my stare to fall upon my arms that were flawless.   
  
' _Am I dead?'_ I repeated the previous question, looking around and frown in bewilderment. ' _If so, then where in heaven am I? It certainly isn't Heaven because wouldn't that be all gold and sparkly? I'm not in Hell either because I'm pretty sure I'd be burning in the red flickering flames. So where am I?'_  
  
Brown eyes continue moving around, seeing nothing that would tell me where I'm at.  
  
 _'Am I even dead?'_ I ask while olive hands curl in and squeeze, white nails digging into my palm but no pain came. ' _I-I think I am.'_  
  
And for some reason, that answer filled me with pain and longing.  
  
' _I don't want to die,'_ I realized, brown eyes filling with tears as I cursed myself for being weak and giving into my demons. ' _I don't want to die! I haven't even told my parents how much I appreciate them and love them; I never got to tell Emily that she was the bestest of a best friend I could ever have and that I loved her like a sister; I didn't even get to tell Kevin that he'd make a great firefighter and was an great friend..'_  
  
And with each thought that hit me, the more the tears fell and cascaded down my cheeks like a riverfall.  
  
' _And-and I never got to tell J-Jayy how much I l-l-love him!'_ That thought killed me the most, the dam breaking and the tears washing over. ' _God damn it!'_  
  
So I sat there, tears racing down my cheeks as remorse ate at my insides like the parasites they were.  
  
It was only when I heard a felt thumping that I froze, brown eyes snapping up from my lap they had been staring at and dashing around the room while looking for the source making that soft pulsing sound.  
  
 **Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**  
  
Olive legs slowly start moving forward, my ears straining to catch more of the soft sound.  
  
 **Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**  
  
Brown eyes whiz around, finally landing on the right when I heard the pounding get louder; so on steady feet, I walk towards the right while curiosity and fear swirled beneath my veins.  
  
 **Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**  
  
 _'What is it?'_ I silently wondered, browns furrowing as I continued walking right while the sound got louder and louder with each step I took towards it. ' _It sounds so...so familiar. But...why?'_  
  
 **Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**  
  
 _'It's kind of funny,'_ Pink lips twitched up into a smile as I continued to silently muse while walking towards the soft pulsing. ' _It actually sounds like a beating heart.'_  
  
 **Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**  
  
 _'Oh my god,'_ Olive legs stop in their tracks while brown eyes widen into saucer plates when i realize that the pounding  **was**  a heart. _'It **is** a heart!'_  
  
Quicker than a cheetah, I race towards the beating sound when I realize that it wasn't just a heart: it was  _ **my**_ heart.  
  
 **Thump**  
  
Olive feet constantly hit the darkness, racing across the black air and straight towards my heart that signified one thing that made my body fill with glee and relief.  
  
 **Thump**  
  
 _'I'm alive!'_ I silently cheered, a beaming smile colored over my lips.  
  
 **Thump**  
  
 _'I'm alive!'_  I gave one last cheer as I jumped straight into the dark vibrating with my heart beat.  
  
 ** _Thump_**  
  
Brown eyes snap open before clenching shut, the bright light hanging over my head burning my eyes.  
  
 _'Fuck!'_ I silently cursed, a hiss of pain leaving my lips as I shuffled and tried throwing my arm over my eyes only to freeze when I couldn't.  
  
My eyes slowly open, letting themselves get used the unusually (and unnecessarily in my point of view) dazzling lights, before flickering towards my arm to investigate why I couldn't properly use it.  
  
The heart beating inside my chest splutters to a stop when I realize the reason I couldn't move it was because it was wrapped in white gauze and IV chords were sticking out from underneath them.  
  
 _'It was real,'_ I choked silently, guilt and shame punching me in the stomach. ' _What I did..it was all real, not a nightmare.'_  
  
Thankfully before I can start drowning in my guilt and shame again, a movement and groan captures my attention.  
  
That's when I got the second surprise of the day (the first being I was  **alive** ) because none other than Jayy Von Monroe was sleeping in a plastic chair right beside my bed.  
  
 _'H-He actually came?'_ I thought, shock biting into me like a snake. ' _And slept in a most likely uncomfortable chair? For-for me?'_  
  
And god did that send a warmth rushing through my chest so fast it made my head dizzy.  
  
 _'I-I can't believe it,'_ Pink lips slowly curl into a small smile while a olive hand cards through the black silky hair. ' _Jayy still cares, even though I broke up with him and wounded him far worst than a bullet, he still came. He cares for me.'_  
  
Oh, there's the guilt again.  
  
Shaking my head, I push away all thoughts and feelings before focusing on my hand carding through my boyfriend's (ex, my mind spitefully reminds me) hair.  
  
 _'God I was so stupid to just give everything up,'_ I bitterly thought, brown eyes blankly staring down at the covers pooled in my lap. ' _I should've just forgiven him and made him promise not to do it again, then we wouldn't be in this mess.'_  
  
So lost in my thoughts, I never realized said boy my thoughts were centered around was gradually awakening until he spoke my name.  
  
"D-Dahvie?" Brown eyes snap up and clash with glazed brown eyes rapidly awakening. "Dahvie? Holy fucking shit Dahvie!"  
  
A squeak escapes my lips when arms suddenly wrap around my waist and pull me close to Jayy's body.  
  
"I am so fucking sorry, baby," Olive cheeks flush red when the term of endearment slips out, my small thin form gradually relaxing into the embrace as I settled my head on Jayy's shoulder. "I am so fucking sorry for everything: the lying, the sneaking out, the arguing, everything. I am so, so sorry!"  
  
"Jayy I-" I try interrupting, but my voice trails off when Jayy cuts me off before I can even say anything.  
  
"No don't you dare say a word, Dahvie!" Jayy growls as he pulls away and gently grips my chin, making sure our gazes were connected. "Let me speak, please."  
  
Slowly I nod, sensing Jayy needed to speak first (and honestly, I think I really needed to hear it).  
  
"Listen to me, Dahvie," Jayy whispered, tone articulating his sincerity and seriousness. "I was never cheating on you, never. You are ym life, baby, my whole world; when ever it rains, just seeing your smile makes everything bright; whenever it's dark and dreary, feeling you in my arms with your heart beating along with mine, makes everything-all the good and bad and mistakes-just melt away."  
  
Olive cheeks darken with each word, my heart rate shooting through the roof as love swam with my blood cells while happy tears slide down my cheeks.  
  
"You're my world, my life, baby," Jayy whispered as he continued gazing into my eyes while his fingers brushed away the stray tears lovingly. "And I'm so fucking sorry that I made you insecure, that I made you doubt. I never meant to, love, I just wanted everything to be perfect."  
  
"P-Perfect?" I choke out, confusion layering my tone like bricks. "W-What do you m-m-mean?"  
  
"This," Jayy breathed out as he let go of my face and rummaged through his pockets before pulling out a...a red square case.  
  
 _'Oh my god!'_ I shrieked inside my head as my eyes flickered towards Jayy and the box while my jaw hit the floor and rolled away.  _'I-Is that what I think it is?'_  
  
"J-Jayy, i-i-is t-t-that...?" I finally connect with my boyfriend's (fiancee if I think it is what it is) eyes.  
  
"This is why I was acting so suspicious," Jayy whispered as he opened the box, revealing a silver ring with a three word confession written on it. "I was going to propose on Christmas, ask your parents Saturday, and pray you'd say yes but...well, it seems fate had other plans."  
  
"Oh fucking shit Jayy," I breathe as an olive hand trembling reached out and gently touched the ring. "I am so fucking sorry for doubting you."  
  
"You had the right, babe," Jayy smiled softly as he gently gripping my hand, intertwining our fingers.   
  
"No I didn't," I protest, shaking my head but squeezing the hand and smiling when I felt the action reciprocated. "I'm sorry for doubting you. I should've trusted you more, should've believed you when you said you wouldn't cheat."  
  
"I-I'm so sorry J-Jayy," I choke out, my eyes re-filling with tears.  
  
"It's okay love," Jayy murmured as he pulled me into another hug, softly humming and letting my tears soak his shirt. "It's okay. We're both sorry and we both forgive each other...right?"  
  
"Right," I laugh softly, a small smile curling over my lips as pulled away and scrubbed the tears off.   
  
We're silent for a few moments, both of us grinning with relief and happiness evident in our eyes, before I break it.  
  
"What are you going to do about the ring?" I inquire, my upper teeth peeking out and tugging on my bottom lip.  
  
"I don't know," Jayy quietly responds, his gaze dropping on to the ring. "It needs an owner, don't you think?"  
  
"You're proposing at a time like this?" I choke out the question, a bubble of laughter festering beneath my vocal chords as I raised an eyebrow. "Really Jayy?"  
  
"It's the thought that matters, right?" Jayy queries, a hopeful grin sliding over his lips. "So is that a yes or no?"  
  
Pink lips part and let out the laugh, my grin widening as I shook my head and leaned in until our lips were inches away.  
  
"Yes," I answer before leaning in and connecting our lips.  
  
 **It felt like coming home.**


	12. I Do, there was never another answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying that Jahvie is real. Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are appreciated <3  
> (1): I don't own these lyrics; all credit goes to Secondhand Serenade and their song, "A Twist in my story." (That's the song you should listen to during this chapter)

**~Skip 3 years; Everyone (Jayy, Dahvie, Emily, Kevin) is now 25; it's July 25~  
*Dahvie's POV**  
  
"Do you, Jeremy Brian Griffis, take David Jesus Torres as you lawfully wedded husband?" Olive cheeks flush even redder as I silently curse the priest for using my real full name, yet the smile never strayed from my pink lips. "To love and care for in sickness and health? Poor and in wealth?"  
  
"I do," Jayy whispers while pink pierced lips curl into a wide beaming smile as he gently squeezed my hand intertwined with his, dark brown eyes sparkling with happiness and joy.  
  
 _'_ _God I love you,'_ I silently said as I gazed into my lovers (and soon to be husband's) eyes, my heart pitter-pattering inside my chest as the priest turned his kind grey eyes onto my small form clad in a black tuxedo.  _'And that will **never**  go away.'_  
  
"Do you, David Jesus Torres, take Jeremy Brian Griffis as your lawfully wedded husband?" Brown eyes roll as I loudly scoff, my smile widening at the priest's chuckle as he got me hidden message (which was a simple "Did you really have to ask?"). "To love and care for in sickness and health? Poor and in wealth?"  
  
The whole world suddenly stops as the priest finishes his sentence, the people gathered-only family and friends were allowed-quiet and sitting on the edge of their wooden chairs with anticipation for the answer.  
  
 _'I don't even know why some of them look nervous,'_ I mused as I shook my head in amusement, my brown eyes staring into Jayy's orbs. ' _The answer will always be the same, no matter what happens. I mean my god I said yes to Jayy proposing even though I tried to commit suicide!'_  
  
 **That** caused my eyes to darken in remorse and sadness.  
  
 _'That is just another thing to add to my list of regrets,'_ I bitterly thought, squeezing Jayy's hands as my thoughts pushed me underneath. ' _I shouldn't have even tried doing that; it doesn't matter if I was in a bad place, I could've killed my parents and friends with depression and remorse.'_  
  
A sigh escapes pink lips as I continue walking through the maze of my thoughts, the air circulating the outside tensing and quickening their pace.  
  
' _To this day, I thank whatever god there is for allowing me another chance to live,'_ Brown eyes fall upon Jayy's and I's intertwined hands, my heart skipping a beat as I raised my gaze and connected with my lover's.  _'Because if I were dead, if I had been successful, I wouldn't be here in this glorious moment about to marry the man that's my whole world.'_  
  
The smile that had drooped quickly moved upwards again as glee and happiness bubbled up, my eyes shining with excitement and contentment.   
  
' _I'm actually getting married!'_ I silently cheered, my white upper teeth coming out and nibbling on my bottom lip as I tried squashing the squeal festering beneath my vocal chords (and I was failing unfortunately). ' _I'm getting married! Oh god I'm marrying Jayy! Damn it I sound like a girl!'_  
  
Once more, I shake my head as the blood rushing through my veins thrums and hums in excitement like a song.  
  
 _'God, when I first started Jayy I never thought we'd come this far!'_ I breathlessly thought, my olive cheeks darkening as my hands shook with elation while the olive palms grew slick with perspiration. ' _I mean, I had hope we would, but I never actually expected it to be real...but here we are, two twenty-five year old men with master degree's in their careers, about to permanently bond ourselves to each other. Forever.'_  
  
And god did those thoughts make me so damn happy I was literally shaking like a leaf in the wind.  
  
I was so in tune with my thoughts, I never noticed the worried looks I was getting shot with by the audience and the concerned (and slightly amused) facial expression Jayy was gazing at me with.  
  
 _'I'm about to be married!'_ Yes, that was a squeal, thank god it was only in my head. ' _I'm about to be married to my boyfriend! No longer will I be Dahvie Vanity, now I will be Dahvie Monroe! Oh god, I'm about to have a heart attack!'_  
  
And I really thought I was going to, judging by the way my heart was harshly pounding against my rib cage like a drum.  
  
' _Okay, okay, breathe Dahvie, breathe damn it!'_ I silently command, pink lips parting and greedily sucking in the oxygen circulating outside where we stood under the bright shining sun hanging in the cloudless blue sky. ' _You will not pass out from sheer excitement at your very own wedding! You will not!'_  
  
Though it was really starting to look like a very probable possibility.  
  
 _'Focus on something!'_ I quickly think up a solution while my brown eyes break our stare and float around, slowly taking in the wooden brown chairs and white carpet laying over the green grass. ' _Yeah, focus on the wedding! How it looks, the cake, people, focus on that!'_  
  
So focus I did, giving my whole wedding (which was a small gathering, really) the attention it deserved.  
  
Brown eyes take in the long white carpet laid over the green grass littered with red roses, the wooden chairs perfectly crafted and cushioned, the long banquet table with a red velvet cloth covering the metal top while a multitude of foods (all ranging from fruits and vegetables to snacks and deserts) sat upon it like kings and queens, and finally the people gathered: my mom, beautifully dressed in a red strapless dress, sat in the front row right with dad-he was dressed in a white tuxedo (which was a really good idea because it was hot as hell right now due to the sun and hot summer weather)-sitting besides her.  
  
Slowly, I removed my stare from my parents to my uncles and aunts also gathered-sitting besides and behind my parents-with my nieces and cousins sitting besides them.  
  
Finally, I turned my attention on Jayy's family which contained the following: his mother (who was dressed in a beautiful baby blue dress) sitting in the front row facing Jayy, his grandpa and grandma, and some of his nieces and cousins.  
  
Smiling, I relax as I bask in the happy yet silent moment.  
  
 _'And all of this was because of Jayy,'_ I thought before I froze, lips parting as my jaw dropped and hit the white carpet we stood upon when I remembered my husband. ' _Oh shit, Jayy!'_  
  
Quicker than a snake I turn my eyes back onto Jayy and silently giggle at Jayy's bewildered and scared look.  
  
 _'I better answer before he ends up peeing his pants,'_ I fondly thought as I shook my head before squeezing his hands.  
  
"I do," I finally murmur, a chuckle leaving my lips as everyone (even the priest!) heaved a relieved sigh. "There was never another answer."  
  
"Then by the power invested by the gods, I now pronounce you husband and husband," The priest murmured, thin lips curling into a small smile. "You may kiss the groom."  
  
"Thank god!" Jayy whispered as he released our hands and quickly slide them around my waist, pulling me close and bending down until our lips were centimeters apart. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too," I breathe, olive cheeks burning while my smile grew. "Always and forever."  
  
"Right back at you babe," Jayy responded before finally connecting our lips, cheers and squeals and shouts erupting around us like a volcano.  
  
"Fucking finally I say!" Jayy and I break apart, laughter leaving our mouths as we look over at Jayy's grandfather (a very nice, humorous man) who was beaming. "I wasn't getting any younger in that moment!"  
  
"Sorry grand," Jayy called as he turned his attention back to me, pierced lips stretched into a dazzling smile. "My husband apparently likes scaring the fuck out of me."  
  
"I'm sorry," I giggle as I throw my hands around his neck and peck Jayy's lips, pulling back with glittering eyes. "I got lost in thought and just remembered I hadn't responded yet."  
  
"Uh huh, sure, whatever you say babe," Jayy replied while brown eyes sparkling with mischievousness as he leant down and gently kissed me again, the sparks flying and electricity shocking my nerves into life.   
  
"It's true!" I whined, the grin indelibly knitted upon my lips as I unwound my arms and intertwined our fingers.   
  
"I believe you," Jayy murmured as he raised up our hands and placed a kiss on my hand, brown eyes serious and full of love.   
  
"Good," I grin as I reply before pulling him over towards the table. "Now come on! I'm hungry and you owe me a dance."  
  
"Yes sir, oh hubby of mine," Jayy teased as he wrapped his arms around my waist, placing a kiss on top of my head (Jayy will never know this, but it's moments like this when he kisses my head that I'm thankful for my small height).  
  
"Good boy," Roars of laughter echoes around us when they overhear my response, my cheeks flaming even more as Jayy's chest vibrated with his chuckles.  
  
"Love you too, babe," Jayy whispered before joining me in my hunt for something to eat (we ended up sharing some strawberry's dipped in chocolate).  
  
It was later on that the day got even more perfect (though it was already perfect when I said yes and sealed Jayy's and I's fate).  
  
"And now," Emily called into the microphone (don't even ask me how or why, all you have to know is Emily planned this whole thing and I had no say in it). "Give a round of applause for our newly weds who are going to show us a lover's true dance!"  
  
"No," I groaned as I looked over at Jayy, my lips formed into a pout. "Not this!"  
  
"You heard the lady, sweetheart," Jayy snickered as he dragged me towards the middle of the grass, speakers laying a few feet away from us. "We have to obey lest we want to bothered during our honeymoon, and do you really want to be interrupted when we're making love?"  
  
"Good point," I surround, nodding my head as I turned around and wrapped my arms around his neck. "But you are totally making it up to me later."  
  
"I can think of a few things," Jayy smirked as he leaned in and softly kissed me, my toes instantly curling as pleasure and love racked through my body.   
  
Once we broke apart, matching smiles scrawled over each other's lips, the music started moving through the speakers and we gently swayed along with the beautiful tone.  
  
 **"Slow down, the world wasn't watching us break down. It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now." (1)**  
  
Brown eyes widen as I look up at Jayy, a smile growing as the song played.  
  
"This is beautiful!" I breathed as Jayy gently twirled me, my grin growing and cheeks groaning in pain. "How...?"

"Let's leave it at women's intuition," Jayy chuckled as he smiled down at me, brown eyes shining with joy. "Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah," I nod my head, my arms tightening as I leaned my head on his shoulder.   
  
 **"The whispers turn to shouting; the shouting turns to tears; your tears turns to laughter, and it takes away our fears." (1)**  
  
"Can you actually believe we made it this far?" I mumble around the expensive fabric, my head lifting as I gazed up at my husband (and god did that fill me with glee just by saying it).  
  
"No," Jayy candidly answered, gently spinning us around and meeting my stare. "Some days, I think this is all a dream and when I wake up I'll be back in my sixteen year old body tormented by my past."  
  
"Same," I giggle softly as I peck his cheek, my grin growing. "It's a good thing this is reality, isn't it?"  
  
"Damn right it is," Jayy replied, chuckling as his arms tightened as he continued swaying us.  
  
We're silent for a few moments before Jayy softly starts singing in my ear, the sweet voice sending my heart into overdrive.  
  
 **"So you see, this world doesn't matter to me. I'll give up all that I have just to breathe the same air as you till the day that I die. I can't take my eyes off of you." (1)**

  
"I love you, you know that?" I softly laugh, crystal clear tears filled with happiness and love swelling within my eyes as I pulled back and looked at my husband.  
  
"I love you too," Jayy replied, one pale hand coming up and stroking away the stray tear. "Always and forever, remember?"  
  
"Yeah," I choke out as I lean in, our lips inches apart. "Always and forever."  
  
And with those words spoken, our lips crashed in a blazing spark of love.  
  
That was the best day of my life.


	13. Meet Luna Hannah Monroe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What happened to us?' I silently wondered as the tears swelled up within my eyes again. 'We were so perfect just weeks ago! How did we fall so hard, so fast? How did we fall apart so quickly, ruining all that had been innocent and pure gold?'
> 
> But I knew the answer to that: me.
> 
> Me and my stupid fucking doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own BOTDF, nor am I implying Jahvie is real. So, this is the last chapter in ONB; thank you all for reading, leaving kudos and comments, and bookmarking <3 There will be a sequel called "Written In Our Scars," but will not be updated for some time. Thank you again for everything!  
> Warning: Chapter mentions abuse and molestation.

***Dahvie's POV**  
  
Five whole year we've been waiting for this moment, our marriage in it's sixth year and still full of love and happiness, and it's finally come.  
  
Now, after all those nights of praying and wishing upon bright shooting stars trekking across the dark midnight sky, we can finally adopt.  
  
 _'I still can't believe it!'_ I silently shrieked inside my head, my olive hand tightening on Jayy's as my smile widened into a dazzling grin.  _'I can't believe that after five years of waiting, we've finally been approved for adoption! Oh my god!'_  
  
"Calm down, babe," Jayy chuckled as he reassuringly squeezed my hand, pierced lips pulled into a matching grin as we walked down the hall and towards the room. "Breathe in and out, okay? I don't need my husband passing out in the middle of a sentence because he was too over-excited."  
  
"I'm sorry," I breathed out, my cheeks straining with the effort to keep that ear-splitting grin up as my heart stormed inside my chest like a thunder. "It's just I can't believe it! We're actually  **here,** Jayy, two thirty-one year old gay men married for six whole years about to adopt a child! Oh fucking god I need to sit down!"  
  
Brown eyes clenched shut as I leaned against the wall, my breathing labored while joy and anticipation coursed through my veins like blood cells.  
  
"In and out, love," Jayy chuckled, pale hands gently grasping my cheeks as he continued instructing me. "In and out."  
  
Pink lips part as I obey, each inhale and exhale gradually lessening the knot inside my chest.  
  
"You okay, babe?" Brown eyes flutter open and connect with similar brown eyes, my smile soft and small form relaxed.  
  
"Yeah," I murmur as I tiptoe and gently place a kiss on my husband's lips before pulling back and intertwining our hands once more. "I'm perfect."  
  
"Good," Jayy grinned as he tugged me towards the room where the agent sat awaiting our arrival, his tone teasing and soothing at the same time. "Wouldn't want our future child freaked out by their mommy's sudden lack of breathing."  
  
"Shut up," I gently swat my husband's arm while rolling my eyes, wondering not for the first time how my husband could be so...well, my husband. "I'm worried for you, daddy dearest, after all you do have a piercing. I bet you they're going to think your a monster!"  
  
"Aw, you wound me babe," I giggle as Jayy's over dramatic gesture (which involved the wide puppy eyes and a free pale hand exaggeratedly clenching his chest) before shaking my head and turning my attention to the door.  
  
' _This is it,'_ I silently said, my pulse quickening again (this time from fear because, holy fucking shit, we were about to become parents!) as the wooden door gradually grew bigger. ' _The moment Jayy and I have been waiting for: adopting. We're actually going to adopt and have our own family, the one we've been talking about for some time now, and it all those dreams lie behind that door.'_  
  
Pink lips part and inhale a trembling breath, olive legs clad in black pants freezing as we stopped in front of the door.  
  
 _'We can do this,'_ I firmly tell myself while brown eyes snap up from the door and over towards my husband, our eyes colliding and revealing mirrored determination and fear. ' _We can do this.'_  
  
So I squeeze his hand-My lips curl into a grin at the reciprocated action-before reaching out an olive hand and twisting the golden cold knob, the door swinging open and revealing a wide spacious office.  
  
"Welcome, gentlemen," A pair of brown eyes snap towards the man sitting in the black leather chair, his beady black eyes enlarged due to the wide circled glasses he was wearing. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"Well," Jayy and I share a look, a matching smile colored over our lips as we closed the door and took a seat in front of the wooden desk. "We're here to adopt."  
  
"Oh," My brown eyes narrow (and I know Jayy was doing the same thing, though his was probably much deadlier. Looks like the bad boy still lives on, yes? That's alright, I find it hot anyway) at the sudden change of tone. "As in, ahem,  _you two?_ Like, together?"  
  
"We're married," Jayy slowly said, tone articulating his self-restrained and unashamed warning. "So yes, "us two together" is adopting. Will there be a problem?"  
  
"No...not at all," And yet, even though the man answered, both Jayy and I could tell he did not like the thought of a gay couple married, least of all adopting. "Let's check the paper work, hm?"  
  
Brown eyes roll as I cross my arms over my white dress shirt, silently scoffing inside my head at the man's attitude.  
  
 _'I just don't get what the big deal is with a goddamn gay couple adopting,'_ I silently hissed as I glared down at the tiled floor, my olive hands tightening on Jayy's to hold us  **both** back. ' _What's the actual difference between a straight couple and a gay couple adopting? The fact that there's a mother in one of them? Well guess what, one of the guys in the gay couple could have a mother or grandma so the child will still be getting "motherly" affections!'_  
  
A huff echoes throughout the room as I get lost in my mind, my grip tightening with each thought that crossed my mind.  
  
 _'And if this guy has such a goddamn problem with helping a gay couple have a family of their own, then they should trade us off with someone who doesn't mind!'_  
  
My attention is snapped from my thoughts when I feel warm fingers softly drawing circles on the top of my hand, my stare snapping up from the floor and clashing with my husband's gaze.  
  
" _Calm down,"_ Was the silent message I received, my body instantly doing as told as all my anger evaporated. " _Ignore him. He's just an asshole that's petty."_  
  
That caused me to giggle, the sound causing the agent's eyes to snap up from the computer screen.  
  
"Is there something funny, Mr..." He pauses as his onyx eyes flicker back to the screen. "Mr. Monroe?"  
  
"No," I easily respond, a small smile curling over my lips as I gently swatted the back of Jayy's head. "Nothing at all, Mr..."  
  
My sentence trails off as my eyes flick towards his desk, taking in the take carved on the golden name tag.  
  
"Mr. Jade," I finish, my eyes returning to his. "Nothing at all, Mr. Jade."  
  
"Of course," Mr. Jade murmurs, his tone barely concealing his severe dislike. "I wouldn't expect anything different from the likes of you."  
  
White teeth harshly clamp down on my tongue to hold back my heated response while my hand tightly grips Jayy's in warning when I feel him bristle at the obvious insult directed towards me.  
  
 _'Put a leash on that protectiveness, Jayy,'_ I silently growled as I tugged on his wrist, my eyes glaring into his as I shot him a silent message. ' _We've waited five whole fucking years to finally be approved, and I'm not making that waiting a waste of time because we couldn't hold our tongues when someone showed their dislike towards us and what we are.'_  
  
Thankfully (not that I ever doubted Jayy wouldn't obey because he would when he knew if he didn't listen then he'd be sleeping on the couch for a good whole month. Add to that I'd forbid him from touching or kissing me), Jayy listened and directed his death beam on the floor.  
  
Forcing a strained smile, I turn my attention back to Mr. Jade sighing and glaring at the screen.  
  
 _'Aw, mad that you found out an actual gay couple was approved to adopt?'_ I roll my eyes before shoving the anger and hatred flickering at my insides away. ' _No, focus Dahvie, do not pay attention to this asshole's attitude: just worry about finding a son or daughter to complete your family.'_  
  
Nodding my head, brown eyes return to the present when Mr. Jade stands up and stalks towards the door before throwing it open.  
  
"Come on, Mr. and Mr. Monroe," Mr. Jade growls, his tone belying his disgust even though he attempted to keep up his professional mask. 'This way."  
  
Slowly Jayy and I stand, my hand tightening on Jayy as we followed the slim man down a brightly lit hall and into a colorful room filled with child of all ages playing with toys and each other.  
  
Pink lips part as my jaw drops, my eyes floating around the room while my heart twisted and turned with remorse.  
  
"I wish we could take all of them," I whisper, brown eyes flickering up towards my husband who was softly smiling as he wrapped an arm around my waist (we both pointedly ignored the sound of fake retching escaping Mr. Jade's mouth).  
  
"I know baby," Jayy murmured, dropping a kiss on my head while my stare longingly stared at each kid. "I know."  
  
"Yeah, you probably want all of them so you can spread your disease, or worst, molest them," Pink lips part as I turn a hurt (and shock and horrified) expression towards the agent who has softly whispered that line thinking we wouldn't hear it.  
  
But, my attention's snapped away from the agent when my eyes catch a glimpse of a little girl, no more than five, sitting in the corner; she wasn't playing with toys or the others like the other kids, but writing...or drawing, it was hard to see.  
  
Olive legs clad in black pants slowly start walking towards the girl, my heart squeezing and squeezing as if a snake was wrapped around it.  
  
I was so focused on the little girl that I didn't see Jayy walking towards Mr. Jade and grabbing him by the collar before whispering dark threats in his face.  
  
 _'She's so beautiful,'_ I silently cooed, brown eyes softening as I took in the the golden pigtails and wide chocolate brown eyes. ' _But why isn't she playing with all the other kids? Does she not like playing? Does she not like others in general? Is she an outcast?'_  
  
And for some unknown reason (though I'd find out later on when everyone was making fun of me), the very last thought not only struck me with hurt by boiling white anger.  
  
 _'No child should be an outcast, casted aside for being different,'_ I viciously thought I continued moving towards the little one. ' _And certainly no this angel!'_  
  
Olive legs finally stop moving, my body instictively kneeling down and facing the little girl who was now looking at me with wide scared eyes.  
  
 _'She's scared,'_ Brown eyes peered similar brown eyes, my heart stuttering as waves of sadness washed through me. ' _Why would she be scared?'_  
  
That was something I didn't know, but I damn well was going to find out.  
  
"Hey honey," I coo softly, a soft smile crawling over my lips as I sat upon the carpeted ground while leaving a wide space between us. "I'm Dahvie, what's your name angel?"

Chocolate eyes blink, pale cheeks flushing red as her gaze dropped shyly (and damn if that whole look didn't instantly steal the remain pieces of my heart) to the ground.  
  
"U-U-Um..." The girl flushed redder, her head bowing down as her shoulders trembled.  
  
"Oh honey," I coo as my olive fingers reach out and gently grasp her chin (and my heart just shattered at her wince), tilting her face up until I could properly see the tears.   
  
And I will never know why I did this, but as soon as I saw the crystal clear waters slipping down her cheeks I gathered her in my arms and rocked her back and forth while cooing softly in her ear.  
  
Once she was calm and trembling no more, I gently pulled her away (though I may have kept my arms around her tiny waist while her arms remained clinging to my arm) and looked into her eyes.  
  
"What's your name, honey?" I softly repeat, a gently smile colored over my lips as I wiped away the tear marks with a soft touch. "A princess like you has to have a name."  
  
"I-I don't..." The girl looks down, shame and sadness articulated through her tone.   
  
My brows furrow, my lips thinning into a straight line as a vexation I've never felt before rears its grotesque face upon hearing the little one's answer.  
  
"Would you like one?" The question slips out of my mouth before I can stop it, though I knew I didn't regret it upon seeing her eyes snap up alight with hope before dimming (and there goes my heart again. Someone call the ambulance please! I need another heart...make that one thousand).  
  
"You don't want me," She softly whispered, shaking her head as her gaze once more dropped with resignation clothing her voice. "Whenever the family's find about my past, they never want me."  
  
"Well I want you," I murmur, my voice confident and sincere as I once more lifted her face up. "And when I want something, I usually get it."  
  
"A-Are you s-sure?" The hope was back, burning brighter than the sun as she peered up into my face.  
  
"One hundred percent sure," I breath, my hand gently brushing through the soft hair as I placed a kiss on her forehead before pulling away with a bright grin and light heart upon seeing her shocked and blushing face. "Now, how about you show me what you were doing just before?"  
  
"O-O-Okay," The girl grins brightly as she lifts up her picture, the drawings perfect (they were better than what kids should usually be able to draw). "I-I did this and-"  
  
Brown eyes pay attention to the instruction, my smile widening as my decision came to me in the form of a beautiful angel.  
  
 _'I want her,'_ I murmured as I looked over at the golden haired child, my heart sputtering as my eyes softened. ' _I want her to be our child.'_  
  
And Jayy would agree, less he want to forever sleep on the couch.

* * *

 ***Jayy's POV**  
  
"Listen here you motherfucking asshole," I snarl in Mr. I'm-an-asshole-that-hates-on-gay-couple's face as my grip on his collar tightens. "If you ever insult my husband or our marriage I will-"  
  
"Is there a problem?" Brown eyes snap towards my side where a tiny woman (no taller than 5'0 ft) stood with her arms crossed over her chest and narrowed green eyes.  
  
"Yeah, actually there is," I reply as I lessen my grip and drag him towards the woman. "This asshole right here has not only insulted my husband right in front of me, he has also implied that we were molester's."  
  
"Oh my gosh," The woman's eyes widen, her lisp parting as she turned to Mr. Jade still held by the collar. "Luke, is this true?"  
  
"Oh come on Kelly!" Luke groans as he struggles to get out of my grip but I merely tighten it while re-enforcing my death glare. "They're gay! A gay fucking couple looking to adopt! How sicker can you get?!"  
  
"Watch your language!" Kelly snapped, green eyes turning towards the kids before flickering back to us. "We have kids present! And no, I'm sorry to say that I don't see what you oh so clearly see, Mr. Jade. If these two men who are married-my congratulations by the way-want to adopt then I see no problem with that. But since you clearly have one, and have also ruined their time here, I'll take over."  
  
"Thank you," I sincerely murmur, releasing the motherfucker's collar and turning towards the woman. "Jayy Von Monroe."  
  
"Kelly White," Kelly introduces herself, holding out her hand (which I shook) before continuing. "In behalf of the agency, I am deeply sorry for Mr. Jade's actions; we will take necessary actions to make sure something like this never happens again."  
  
"You'll fire him?" I inquire, the hope all to evident in my tone.  
  
"Basically," Kelly chuckles with a small smile painted on her pink lips. "Now, you and your husband are looking to adopt, correct?"  
  
"Yeah, he's right," My brown eyes scan the room before they land on Dahvie...who was currently holding a small child. "There."  
  
Pink pierced lips curl into a grin as I survey the scene, my heart pounding at how cute and loving the image was.  
  
"And that's why we all knew he'd make an excellent mother," I murmur, not noticing Kelly's gasp and shocked expression. "Dahvie's always had a way with kids, you know? He knew how to make them feel proud of themselves, to make them happy and strong. That's why we always said he'd be a great mother."  
  
"I can't believe this," My attention is finally torn from the warm picture and placed on the female agent, brown orbs narrowing as I take in her shocked look.  
  
"What's wrong?" The question slips out of my mouth before I can catch it, my tall form turning towards her.  
  
"U-Um, I don't mean to sound rude but I think you and your husband should choose another child," Kelly whispers, turning her wide green eyes on to me.  
  
"Why?" I query, pierced brows furrowing as bewilderment shot through my body like a bullet.

  
"The child is, well, she's more to handle than a new beginning couple could take," Kelly answers vaguely, eyes saddening as she shook her head.  
  
"Dahvie's stubborn," I sigh as my eyes flicker back to Dahvie and the little girl, taking in their closeness and smiles. "If he wants her, which no doubt he does, then he'll have her. Screw all your warnings."  
  
Kelly chuckles softly before shaking her head while raising one eyebrow.

  
"And you're whipped," She stated matter-of-factly, snickering at my exasperated sigh and nod. "Well, if you really want her then you have to know some things."  
  
"And what are those things?" I ask, pale arms clad in a casual black dress shirt crossing over my chest as I gave Kelly my full attention.  
  
"She doesn't have a name," Pierced lips part as my jaw hits the floor, brown eyes shining with confusion before they pop out of their sockets by Kelly's next confession, "And she used to be abused before child's service finally rescued her last year."  
  
"She used to be a-a-abused?" I whisper breathlessly, my tone articulating my horror and bafflement. "But why? I mean for gods sake she's only a child!"

"An alcoholic father with a temper to match the drinks he downed and a mother chained to her pills and the ground," Kelly harshly answers, her anger for the parents well known even though we were strangers.

"What about grandparents? Aunts, uncles?" I fire off the questions buzzing around my head, wondering how Dahvie not only managed to get attached right away, but to an abused girl nonetheless.  
  
"All dead or want nothing to do with her," Kelly replies, green eyes cold. "Still want her now that you know her past?"  
  
"I take it everyone that's been interested instantly changed their mind upon hearing that story?" I guess, pierced lips pursing and jaw clenching in anger.   
  
"Yep," Kelly laughs, the sound cold and harsh like winter. "Such a lovely world we live in, isn't it?"  
  
"Don't I know it," I mumble before shaking my head as I started approaching my husband and soon-to-be daughter. "And the answers no, my decision hasn't changed: we want her. And that's that. Besides, I know my husband, and he'll force me to sleep on the couch until I give in to his demands."  
  
" **Very** whipped," Kelly teases, a giggle leaving her lips as she followed.   
  
"Don't remind me," I groan out, though there was a smile tugging at my lips.  
  
"Hey babe," I bend down and place a soft kiss on Dahvie's head before straightening. "Did you find our child?"  
  
"Yep!" Dahvie instantly bounced up, the golden haired child hiding her face in Dahvie's neck. "Come on, sweety, show us your gorgeous face."  
  
My grin widens as the girl, pale cheeks stained red (no doubt due to my baby's compliments) and chocolate brown eyes shy and filled with fear, lifts her head and looks at me.  
  
"H-Hi," She whispers, her voice soft and hesitant.  
  
"Hey there sweetheart," I respond as I gently run a pale hand through her hair, grinning (though there was a hint of sadness) even more at her surprised expression. "How you doing?"  
  
"G-G-Good," The little girl blushes, a small smile crawling over her lips.  
  
"That's good," I nod my head before bending down until we were eye-to-eye. "Now, I'm going to ask you a really important question, and I want you to answer with what you want, okay? Can you do that for us, sweetheart?"  
  
The little girl dutifully nods her head, eyes shining with curiosity and hesitancy.  
  
"Would you like to go home with Dahvie and me?" I pop the question, my eyes saddening at her shocked look.  
  
"R-R-R-Really?!" The girl looks between Dahvie and I, chocolate brown eyes wide and lips parted.   
  
"Really love," I respond solemnly respond as I continued gazing into her eyes.  
  
"But...my past..." She whispers, eyes dimming and dropping to the floor but I quickly brought the spark back.  
  
"I already know your past," I cut in before gently taking her chin in between my fingers and tilting her head back up, my eyes shining with truth and sincerity. "And that doesn't matter. We want you as our child, sweetheart, you. What do you say about that? Huh? Having a real family?"

  
"Y-Y-Yes!" She cried, tears springing up in her eyes as she threw her arms around me (thank god Dahvie was holding her).  
  
Brown clashes with brown as I return the hug, my chest spreading with warmth from both the hug and the look in Dahvie's eyes which wa pure love and happiness.  
  
"It seems you two have made your choice," Kelly nods her head as she steps in. "I'll need you to finish the last of the paper work while this little one goes and gathers all her belongings. Okay?"  
  
"Alright," I nod my head as I watch Dahvie kissing the ( **our** my brain corrects) child's head and pinky promising something. "Thank you."  
  
"No problem at all," Kelly smiles softly before stepping back and letting the girl through.  
  
"You'll come back, right?" The chocolate eyed child whispered as she buried her face in my pants.  
  
"I promise," I murmur as I bend down and envelope her into a hug, softly kissing her head before releasing her.  
  
A pair of brown eyes watch as a women leads her away before turning on to Kelly.

"Let's get this over with so I can have my baby back," Dahvie huffs as he starts walking towards the hallway.  
  
"Yes dear," I automatically respond, my smile widening as a chuckle escaped its prison.  
  
Kelly giggles before nodding, shooting me a look that spells out her laughter and mouthing one sentence that made me fondly roll my eyes before following the pair.  
  
 **"Totally whipped."**

* * *

 ***Dahvie's POV**  
  
"Where's my grandchild?" Brown eyes roll as I shoot my mom a glare.  
  
"Patience is a virtue mom," I chide, my smile growing as I walked into our (Jayy's and I's) home where our family sat waiting in the living room. "Haven't you learned that?"  
  
"I'm not getting any younger," Jinnet scoffs as she greets me with a hug and a quick kiss to the head. "And you said I was getting a grandchild, so naturally any parent would want to see their grandbaby."  
  
Brown eyes fondly roll before I sigh and  turn around, walking outside.  
  
"You ready, baby?" I coo as I bend down and meet our daughter's terrified expression.  
  
Slowly, she nods and I smile before placing a soft kiss on her head and intertwining our hands together; I stand back up, my gaze connecting with Jayy's, before nodding and slowly walking our daughter inside her new home.  
  
"Everyone," I call throughout the now silent room, all stares trained on to our daughter. "Meet the new addition to the Monroe-Vanity family: Luna Hannah Monroe, our six year old daughter."  
  
Everyone's silent for a moment, Jayy and I shooting each other worried looks, before they all burst out in cheers (scaring both Luna and us).  
  
"Oh dear she's so adorable!"  
  
"An angel in disguise!"  
  
"I just want to cuddle her and never let go!"  
  
All the compliments reassured our worries, our eyes turning down to our daughter who looked terrified; we share a sad smile before I lean down and pick her up, whispering comforting words inside her ear as I introduced her to her new family.  
  
It was when I was holding Luna, Jayy right by my side, that I realized that yeah maybe we chose a child that had problems and would need extra caution.  
  
But it was  _ **our**_  child.  
  
And that made everything even more perfect than it already was.  
  
"I love you," I whisper as I turn to Jayy before looking down at Luna who was now looking up at me with glittering chocolate brown eyes. "I love both of you."  
  
"I love you too, babe," Jayy responds, leaning down and placing a kiss on top of my head.  
  
Pink lips curl into a grin as I turn my face and peck his lips before pulling back and staring at Luna in shock when she opens her sweet little mouth and says the words I was  **not** expecting.  
  
"I love you too, mommy."  
  
Needless to say, roars of laughter and "I told you so's" rang throughout the room that day and continued on for the next years of my life.  
  
 **But it was perfect nonetheless.**


End file.
